Many of our everyday expressions, such as "It's always darkest
before the dawn," ironically foster our giving up. The implicit message is
to give up the moment and wait for what is bad to pass.
But evaluation is a state of mind; it can be positive or negative.
That doesn't mean that consequences are not real. It means that the
consequences for any action depend on the view we take of them. Actions
and events do not come with evaluations; we impose them on our
experiences and in so doing, create our experience of the event. Some
believe that bad things are intolerable. Some believe that bad things
happen but if we just hold on, they will pass. The latter is better than
the former, but, at least for me, it's not enough.
Even the saying "Every cloud has a silver lining" doesn't quite
lead us to where we want to be. The implication here is that the bad
thing will not only pass, but will result in something good. The optimist
is said to be the one who when surrounded by manure knows there must be a
pony around somewhere. Again this is not what I'm suggesting. Instead,
consider that the very thing that is evaluated as negative is also
positive. It is not that there may be five negative things and five
positive -- which surely is better than just seeing the negative, as the
pessimist might, but that the 10 things are both negative and
positive -- depending on the context we impose on them.
Last year when I was on a book tour, one of my escorts realized we
were running late and took a short cut to the studio through a parking
lot. He apologized when he was overwhelmed by the smell of urine. It was
then that I realized that a "disability" I had always had was actually an
advantage. All of the people I've been close with appear to have a far
more developed sense of smell than I. On that excursion through the
parking lot, I realized that the number of "Ugh, did you smell that?" to
the number of "Ah, did you smell that?" was about 20 to 1. If it's
smelling a rose, I lose; if it's smelling rotten eggs, I win. Is it good
or bad not to be sensitive to odors? It depends. A glue fails to adhere.
Is that good or bad? It's bad if we want something to stick forever; but
good if we want a post-it note.
It is fine to want tomorrow to be good and to expect that it will
be. When this is what we mean by hope, there is no problem. All too
often, however, people offer words of hope when we are feeling bad to
help us accept those feelings. In my view, we should not passively give
up today. Such giving up follows from the belief that events themselves
are good or bad, rather than that our views make them good or bad.
People who are waiting to live put off today in exchange for
tomorrow: "As soon as the children are grown, I'll... "; "After the
business matures I can... "; "Once the application is finished, I'll... "
Work and play are states of mind. We won't learn that as long as we think
we should delay gratification. Waiting is mindless. It suggests that
there is no way to enjoy what is being done at the moment.
Adapted by Ph.D.
Ellen J. Langer, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Harvard
University, is author of The Power of Mindful Learning (Perseus, 1997)
and Mindfulness (Perseus, 1989).
Tags:
attitude,
belief,
darkest before the dawn,
disability,
evaluations,
everyday expressions,
excursion,
experiences,
hope,
implication,
implicit message,
manure,
optimism,
optimist,
parking lot,
pessimism,
pessimist,
sense of smell,
there must be a pony
