While the disillusionment model best describes those who divorce,
Huston found that another model suits those who stay married, whether or
not they are happy: The "enduring dynamics model," in which partners
establish patterns of behavior early and maintain them over time,
highlights stability in the relationship--the feature that distinguishes
those who remain together from those who eventually split up.
The major difference between the unhappily married couples and
their happy counterparts is simply that they have a lower level of
satisfaction across the board. Yet, oddly enough, this relative
unhappiness by itself does not doom the marriage. "We have a whole group
of people who are stable in unhappy marriages and not necessarily
dissatisfied," Huston said. "It's just a different model of marriage.
It's not that they're happy about their marriage, it's just that the
discontent doesn't spill over and spoil the rest of their lives."
And while all married couples eventually lose a bit of that
honeymoon euphoria, Huston notes, those who remain married don't consider
this a crushing blow, but rather a natural transition from "romantic
relationship" to "working partnership." And when conflict does arise,
they diffuse it with various constructive coping mechanisms.
Nancy and John, participants in Huston's study, are a shining
example of happy, healthy balance. They met in February 1978 and were
immediately attracted to each other. John said Nancy was "fun to be with"
and he "could take her anywhere." Nancy said John always complimented her
and liked to do things she enjoyed, things "other guys wouldn't
do."
During their courtship, they spent a lot of time together, going to
dances at their high school and hanging out with friends. They became
comfortable with each other and began to openly disclose their opinions
and feelings, realizing they had a lot in common and really enjoyed each
other's company.
John paid many surprise visits to Nancy and bought her a number of
gifts. Toward the end of the summer, John gave Nancy a charm necklace
with a "genuine diamond." She recalls his saying: "This isn't your ring,
honey, but you're going to get one." And she did. The two married on
January 17, 1981, nearly three years after they began dating.
The prognosis for this relationship is good. Nancy and John have a
"fine romance"--a solid foundation of love and affection, built on
honesty and intimacy. A three-year courtship enabled them to paint
realistic portraits of one another, lessening the chances of a rude
awakening after marriage.
In 1994, when they were last interviewed, Nancy and John were
highly satisfied with their marriage. They were very compatible,
disagreeing only about politics. Both felt they strongly benefited from
the marriage and said they had no desire to leave.
When the seminar ends, I can't get to a pay phone fast enough.
After two rings, the phone is answered. He's there, of course.
Dependable. Predictable. That's one of the things that first set my
husband apart. At the close of one date, he'd lock in the next. "Can I
see you tomorrow for lunch?" "Will you have dinner with me next
week?"
Unlike the fantasy-quality of my first marriage, I felt a deep
sense of comfort and companionship with him, and did not harbor
outrageous expectations. We exchanged vows three and a half years later,
in August 1998.
There at the convention center, I try to tell my husband about
Huston's study, about the critical first few years, about "enduring
dynamics." It all comes out in a jumble.
"You're saying we have a good marriage, that we're not going to get
divorced?" he asks.
"Yes," I say breathlessly, relieved of the burden of
explanation.
"Well I'm glad to hear that," he says, "but I wasn't really
worried."
Sometimes I wonder: Knowing what I know now, could I have saved my
first marriage? Probably not. Huston's research suggests that the
harbingers of disaster were present even before my wedding day.
And he blames our culture. Unlike many other world cultures, he
says, Western society makes marriage the key adult relationship, which
puts a lot of pressure on people to marry. "People feel they have to find
a way to get there and one way is to force it, even if it only works for
the time being," he says.
Our culture is also to blame, Huston says, for perpetuating the
myth of storybook romance, which is more likely to doom a marriage than
strengthen it. He has few kind words for Hollywood, which brings us
unrealistic, unsustainable passion.
So if your new romance starts to resemble a movie script, try to
remember: The audience never sees what happens after the credits
roll.
BLISS OR BUST?
TAKE THE MARRIAGE QUIZ
Choose the answer that best describes your level of agreement with
each of the following statements:
Part 1: Our Relationship As Newlyweds
1. As newlyweds, we were constantly touching, kissing, pledging our
love or doing sweet things for one another.
Strongly disagree (1pt.) Disagree (2 pts.) Agree (3 pts.) Strongly
agree (4 pts.)
2. As newlyweds, how often did you express criticism, anger,
annoyance, impatience or dissatisfaction to one another?
Often (1 pt.) Sometimes (2 pts.) Rarely (3 pts.) Almost never (4
pts.)
3. As newlyweds, my partner and I felt we belonged together; we
were extremely close and deeply in love.
Disagree (1 pt.) Mildly agree (2 pts.) Agree (3 pts.) Strongly
agree (4 pts.)
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