"The first two years are key--that's when the risk of divorce is
particularly high," he says. "And the changes that take place during this
time tell us a lot about where the marriage is headed."
What surprised Huston most was the nature of the changes that led
to divorce: The experiences of the 56 participating couples who divorced
showed that loss of initial levels of love and affection, rather than
conflict, was the most salient predictor of distress and divorce. This
loss sends the relationship into a downward spiral, leading to increased
bickering and fighting, and to the collapse of the union.
"This ought to change the way we think about the early roots of
what goes wrong in marriage," Huston said. "The dominant approach has
been to work with couples to resolve conflict, but it should focus on
preserving the positive feelings. That's a very important take-home
lesson."
"Huston's research fills an important gap in the literature by
suggesting that there is more to a successful relationship than simply
managing conflict," said Harry Reis, Ph.D., of the University of
Rochester, a leading social psychologist.
"My own research speaks to `loss of intimacy,' in the sense that
when people first become close they feel a tremendous sense of validation
from each other, like their partner is the only other person on earth who
sees things as they do. That feeling sometimes fades, and when it does,
it can take a heavy toll on the marriage."
Social science has a name for that fading
dynamic--"disillusionment": Lovers initially put their best foot forward,
ignoring each other's--and the relationship's--shortcomings. But after
they tie the knot, hidden aspects of their personalities emerge, and
idealized images give way to more realistic ones. This can lead to
disappointment, loss of love and, ultimately, distress and
divorce.
When Marriage Fails
The story of Peter and Suzie, participants in the PAIR Project,
shows classic disillusionment. When they met, Suzie was 24, a new
waitress at the golf course where Peter, then 26, played. He was "awed"
by her beauty. After a month the two considered themselves an exclusive
couple. Peter said Suzie "wasn't an airhead; she seemed kind of smart,
and she's pretty." Suzie said Peter "cared a lot about me as a person,
and was willing to overlook things."
By the time they strolled down the aisle on Valentine's Day in
1981, Peter and Suzie had dated only nine months, experiencing many ups
and downs along the way.
Huston says couples are most vulnerable to disillusionment when
their courtship is brief. In a whirlwind romance, it's easy to paint an
unrealistically rosy picture of the relationship, one that cannot be
sustained.
Sure enough, reality soon set in for Peter and Suzie. Within two
years, Suzie was less satisfied with almost every aspect of their
marriage. She expressed less affection for Peter and felt her love
decline continuously. She considered him to have "contrary" traits, such
as jealousy and possessiveness, and resented his propensity to find fault
with her.
Peter, for his part, was disappointed that his wife did not become
the flawless parent and homemaker he had envisioned.
Another danger sign for relationships is a courtship filled with
drama and driven by external circumstances. For this pair, events related
to Peter's jealousy propelled the relationship forward. He was the force
behind their destroying letters and pictures from former lovers. It was a
phone call between Suzie and an old flame that prompted him to bring up
the idea of marriage in the first place. And it was a fit of
jealousy--over Suzie's claiming to go shopping and then coming home
suspiciously late--that convinced Peter he was ready to marry.
Theirs was a recipe for disaster: A short courtship, driven largely
by Peter's jealousy, enabled the pair to ignore flaws in the relationship
and in each other, setting them up for disappointment. That
disappointment eroded their love and affection, which soured their
perception of each other's personalities, creating feelings of
ambivalence.
Ten years after saying "I do," the disaffected lovers were in the
midst of divorce. When Suzie filed the papers, she cited as the primary
reason a gradual loss of love.
The parallels between Peter and Suzie's failed marriage and my own
are striking: My courtship with my first husband was short, also about
nine months. Like Peter, I had shallow criteria: This guy was cool; he
had long hair, wore a leather jacket, played guitar and adored the same
obscure band that I did.
When it came time to build a life together, however, we were
clearly mismatched. I wanted a traditional family with children; he would
have been happy living on a hippie commune. In college, when we wanted to
move in together, we thought our parents would be more approving if we
got engaged first. So we did, even though we weren't completely sold on
the idea of marriage.
The road to divorce was paved early, by the end of the first year:
I had said I wanted us to spend more time together; he accused me of
trying to keep him from his hobbies, and told me, in so many words, to
"get a life." Well I did, and, two years later, he wasn't in it.
When Marriage Succeeds
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