Answers to your questions about how to find a good therapist, the
importanceof beauty, sex in marriage and more.
Dear Dr. E.,
I am an extremely unattractive 19-year-old--ugly, in fact--but I am
also an understanding, friendly, helpful, caring person. I've had
terrible trouble making friends. Do looks really count? I hate being
alone.
Eric L.
via e-mail
Dear Eric,
A student of mine who also considers herself unattractive recently
wrote a research paper on this very topic. The results were disturbing:
In our culture, physical appearance has an overwhelming impact on career,
romance, happiness, and just about every aspect of life. Attractive
people get breaks; the rest of us suffer unjustifiably. You have two
choices, one external, the other internal--and you can explore both at
once, if you like. The external solution is to alter your
appearance--with different clothing, exercise, even surgery. The internal
solution is to learn to love and accept yourself as you are. A skilled
counselor can help.
Dear Dr. E.,
I'm 31 and very attractive. My husband of two years is 34. During
our two years of dating, we abstained from intercourse for religious
reasons. But now that we are married, he has shown almost no sexual
interest in me at ale Does this mean he's gay or has a hormone
problem?
Megan
Atlanta, Georgia
Dear Megan,
As my first psychology professor once said, "When sex in a marriage
is good, it's 5% of the relationship, but when it's bad, it's 95% of the
relationship." Marriages can survive perfectly well without sex, but only
when both partners agree, and the situation you're describing is
unbalanced and undoubtedly causing great tension. Although I know this
will be difficult, it's important that you talk openly with your husband
about your concerns. While he may indeed be gay or have a hormone
problem, you'll never know for sure unless you communicate. And the
solution may be as simple as rearranging your schedules...or wearing a
different perfume!
Dear Dr. E.,
How can I find a good, affordable therapist? How will I know
whether he or she is trustworthy and competent?
Sherry
Capistrano Beach, California
Dear Sherry,
There are local and national professional organizations that can
help. Try calling the American Psychological Association (202336-5500),
the American Psychiatric Association (202-682-6000), the California
Psychological Association (916-325-9786) and your state boards, which
license psychologists, psychiatrists, marriage and family counselors,
social workers and other mental health professionals. On-line referral
services, now being developed, will make it even easier for you to find a
therapist who can address your particular concerns.
Dear Dr. E.,
What does your office reveal about your personality? What if you
have a messy desk, an extremely neat one, or one with family mementos or
novelty items?
Dan G.
Jackson, Mississippi
Dear Dan,
It's a mistake to separate "personality" from "person," a mistake,
by the way, that even some psychologists make. "Personality" is just
shorthand for what a person does. If we find a pattern in someone's
behavior, we might label that pattern a "personality," but it does not
exist as an entity independent of the person. A messy office might
indicate that a person is generally messy but saying that he or she has a
"messy personality" doesn't add any new information to the picture.
Remember, too, that different situations bring out different behaviors:
You might be messy at work and neat at home. Getting to know someone is
hard work. Don't look for shortcuts.
Dear Dr.. E.,
I consider myself warm and friendly, but I act cool and aloof with
other people. Am I antisocial? What should I do?
S.
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Dear S.,
Social skills are just that--skills. They're behaviors that can be
learned. Find a counselor or therapist who specializes in social skills
to help you develop the abilities you seek. Group therapy can be
especially effective in this case. Contact the Canadian Psychological
Association (888-472-0657 or www.cpa.ca) for more information.
Adapted by Ph.D.
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