Like women who give birth as they're approaching 60, multiple-birth moms throw into high relief the dilemmas experienced by more ordinary mothers. As increasing numbers of American women juggle the demands of career and children, fatigue and depression are becoming more pressing issues for moms and kids alike. The advice offered by Case Western Reserve pediatrician Robert Williams, M.D., to mothers of twins applies to all parents: "Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help."
And if it's any consolation, mothers of multiples can remind themselves that it does get easier. "Most of the difficulties parents have with twins come in the first two or three years," says Williams. "They need so much attention, and it's such an intense experience."
"Intense" seems an apt description of most encounters with reproductive technology, in which fear and hope and the longing for a child all meet. In that way, of course, it's not so different from motherhood as it's been described in ancient fables, in Biblical parables--or for that matter, in the books of Erma Bombeck.
DADS
Once we all knew what a dad was: he was the guy who married mom, who gave you your eyes or your smile or your sense of humor, who made you eat your spinach and do your homework, who was always around somewhere, puttering in the basement or grilling burgers out back.
Not anymore. Today's fathers run the gamut, from sperm-bank donors to superdads--and there are a lot of men in the middle, trying to puzzle out the meaning of modern fatherhood. They're getting some help from psychologists, biologists and sociologists, whose research has something to tell us all about the ties that bind father to child. Here, a family portrait of today's fathers:
The Distant Dad
Throughout the 1980s, the deadbeat dad vied with the welfare queen and the tax-and-spend liberal for the prize of public enemy number one. Now his numbers are on the wane, thanks to stronger child-support enforcement efforts--and we're left with what may be a bigger problem. How do we ensure that these "nonresidential fathers" (the new, more neutral term) contribute time and care as well as money to their kids?
One of the keys lies in what would seem an unlikely place: the women these men have left or been left by. Even in intact families, research shows, mothers act as gatekeepers, supervising access to children. Their authority is further increased when they have primary custody of children, as is still the case in 87% of divorces. A friendly or at least civil relationship between ex-spouses can keep those gates from clanging shut. "Former partners don't have to be intimate or close," declares Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., a sociologist at the University of Southern California. "They just need to be mature enough to separate out marital issues from parenting issues, and put the parenting issues on the front burner."
Some state and local governments are trying to make that effort easier, by requiring all divorcing couples with children to draw up a "parenting plan." "It's partly the outcome of the plan that's valuable, the set of decisions that are made about the children and how they will be cared for," says Ross Thompson, Ph.D., psychology professor at the University of Nebraska. "But just as important is the process. In the midst of negotiations to go their separate ways, the couple has to make plans for how they are going to continue to maintain contact."
The Disney Dad
Divorced fathers who do stay involved tend to "think that if they fill visits with fun activities, the child will look forward to seeing him," says Thompson. "But the fact is, those kinds of activities can be stressful. They're nice on special occasions, but they're not the basis of an ongoing relationship." Psychologists blame the Disney Dad syndrome on the visitation system itself, with its rigid and unnatural limits on the non-custodial parent's role. "Why should we be surprised when time passes and fewer and fewer fathers maintain contact?" asks Thompson.
What's needed is an improved system of shared custody. One new arrangement, now being experimented with by several states, grants responsibility for major decisions--where children go to school, what kind of medical treatment they receive--to both parents, even if the child lives with only one. "If parenting is about anything, it's about deep involvement and intimate contact, being knit into the everyday experience of a child's life," Thompson says. "And how can you do that if you're only visiting?"
The Serial Dad
The serial dad is of the love-the-one-you're-with school: he has children with one woman, then moves on to another and yet another, investing his time and money in the family of the moment.
These men may never have come to see themselves as fathers in any meaningful way, say sociologists. When fathers feel certain in their abilities as parents, when their place in their children's lives is clear and unambiguous, and when they feel satisfied with their interactions with their children, they are likely to stay involved with their offspring, according to Randy Leite, program coordinator of human development and family science at Ohio State University.
Some social scientists believe such confidence can be instilled by actively teaching parenting skills. Across the country, fathering programs like "It's My Child, Too" at Purdue University and "Making Room For Daddies" at the Center for Men in Cambridge, Massachusetts, are teaching men, especially those who are young and unmarried, how to be a father in full.
The Single Dad
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