Let other contests commend the most impressive, most accomplished,
mostappealing of the year's performances. We're after something a little
different a celebration of our states of mind, a hit parade that charts
the highs and lows (mostly lows) of the human psyche. And what better way
to head into the New Year than to remember, with a shudder, where we've
been?
Biggest Identity Crisis
The Spice Girls
Just when the tackily sexy quintet from Britain had impressed
itself on global consciousness, its image began to shift alarmingly
Ginger decamped to become a spokeswoman for the United Nations while Posh
and Scary announced they were maternity and altar-bound. Runner-up The
musician formerly known as Prince, and as the Artist, and as
Most Nauseating Narcissist
James Cameron
Being named Best Director and copping a clutch of' other Oscars at
the ]998 ceremonies apparently wasn't compliment enough for the Titanic
director, who felt compelled to claim a crown as well. "I'm king of' the
world," he crowed on stage. Oh, well, we always knew Hollywood thinks
itself the center of the universe. But at least he fell short of
surgeons' "I am God" complex. Runner-up Monica ("I don't want to have to
work for it [getting a job]. I want it to be given to me.")
Lewinsky
Most Obsessive-Compulsive
Martha Stewart
Her relentless pursuit of the perfect dinner party/house/life, not
to mention self-promotion, has raised nesting from a plebeian task to a
high religion. Whether it's manicuring the lawn with tweezers or weaving
table mats from pocket lint (just kidding!), this priestess is in the
details. (So is God, come to think of it). It's not a good thing,
Martha.
Most Universal Archetype
Jerry Seinfeld
Alter nine seasons of Must-See hilarity, the master of his
televised domain called it quits. The neurotic comedian's legacy a wildly
humorous (albeit annoyingly ubiquitous) lexicon for describing the
banalities of daily life. Sein Language has become our second tongue --
not that there's anything wrong with that.
Most Pathological Liar
Stephen Glass
Public faith in journalistic ethics (not robust to begin with) fell
to an all-time low when word got out that the New Republic scribe had hit
a writing trifecta, fabricating people, places and events.
Superest Superego
Kenneth Starr
Primal desires didn't stand a chance with this man's conscience. He
showed himself more than willing to scrabble for the dirt in every tax
return conversation and sexual encounter engaged in by the cast of
Washington, D.C.'s running soap opera.
In Deepest Denial
Boris Yeltsin
Russia may be dealing with astronomical inflation, the worst
harvest in 45 years, a scandal-ridden government and angry creditors, but
to hear the chronically ailing president tell it, both he and the
nation's economy are in fine fettle. Boris, stop fiddling in your dacha.
Nero is not a good role model!
Most Raging Id
Mary Kay Le Tourneau
Ids ran rampant in 1998, and most, as usual, belonged to men, but
none could come close to that of the Seattle schoolteacher, who bore the
child of her teenage student lover and, when let out of jail, promptly
became pregnant by him again. Nothing came between her and her pleasure.
Runners-up Mary Albert, Bill Clinton.
Most Paranoid Personality
Louis Farrakhan
Everyone knows aliens shot JFK and the government bugs our thought
waves, but the head of the Nation of Islam has some ripe theories of his
own. According to his recent public statements, Jews have masterminded
several intricate conspiracies, from controlling the television and
recording industries to orchestrating the entire Clinton Lewinsky scandal
in order to influence the Middle least peace process.
Mightiest Megalomaniac
Bill Gates
Seldom has an American icon fallen so far so fast, from prophet of
the new Information Age to old-fashioned robber baron. Gates attracted
the nasty publicity when federal officials filed an antitrust suit
charging his company, Microsoft, with illegally trying to wipe out the
competition. Hey, Bill, remember what Mom said Might doesn't always make
right.
And finally...
Most Potent Delusion
Viagra
Men wanted (oh, how they wanted!) to believe it could make studs of
duds, but the reality was a bit of a downer. Sorry, guys. Sometimes an
erection is just an erection.
Tags:
best director,
center of the universe,
dinner party,
getting a job,
global consciousness,
high religion,
highs and lows,
hilarity,
human psyche,
james cameron,
jerry seinfeld,
king of the world,
martha stewart,
personalities,
pocket lint,
priestess,
relentless pursuit,
spice girls,
states of mind,
table mats
