Ways We Say 'I Do'

Ellen Lewin, Ph.D., an anthropologist at the University of Iowa, is author of Recognizing Ourselves: Ceremonies of Lesbian and Gay Commitment (Columbia' University Press, 1998). She spoke with PT about the meaning of the rituals same-sex partners use to mark their relationship.

What compelled you to make a study of these ceremonies?

There's been a huge debate in the gay community about whether or not these ceremonies are a good idea. Some claim that they're a capitulation to outside standards of how to be a person. Others argue just the opposite, that they constitute a kind of resistance to heterosexist cultural norms.

I was interested in the question of what people intended the ceremonies to be and what they actually were. What I found was that these rituals combine assimilation and resistance in very creative and sometimes very contradictory ways, not always intentionally.

Can you think of an example?

There was one ceremony I went to that was a faithful replica of a heterosexual Jewish wedding. The couple was very committed to the idea that what they were doing was absolutely unremarkable, that it was a by-the-book thing. But the way they did that was that one of them wore a bridal dress and one of them wore a tuxedo. In other words, the way they affected being middle-of-the-road and mainstream was by doing drag.

How are gay and lesbian commitment ceremonies different from heterosexual weddings?

One thing that's dramatically different is that gay couples can't take the risk that people won't take them seriously. So the spoof of a wedding that straight people will sometimes do, like getting married jumping out of an airplane--that kind of thing can't happen at these ceremonies, because they're very much about reinforcing claims to legitimacy

Are these ceremonies becoming more accepted by the non-gay world?

As soon as I started doing this research, everyone I ran into would say, "Oh, I went to a gay wedding," or "My neighbor just went to one." People are becoming familiar with these ceremonies. I'm even starting to have gay people tell me that their families are asking them, "Well, when are you and your partner going to get married?"

PHOTO (COLOR): Ceremonies of Lesbian and Gay Commitment (Columbia' University Press, 1998).