The problem is, marriage always consists of the merger of two
cultures. "Principles of tree decoration represent just one element in
the emotional landscape of Christmas," says Doherty. He himself hails
from a line of tinsel "throwers," he confesses. Not that he ever would
have identified himself as belonging to any particular Christmas culture.
But then he got married; he had climbed a ladder to begin decorating that
first Christmas tree when his wife walked in the room and recoiled in
horror. "What are you doing?" she gasped as he flung fistsful of the
stuff at the tree. Thereupon he discovered that she came from a family of
tinsel "placers," who fastidiously draped each strand over its appointed
branch. He notes that his is now a tinsel-free family.
Doherty also knows one pair of newlyweds who took diametrically
opposed approaches to gift unwrapping. The grooms family dove in and
attacked their presents simultaneously; gifts were briefly exposed, then
quickly disappeared beneath a flurry of colored paper and ribbons. In
contrast, the bride's family exchanged and opened gifts at a stately
pace, one at a time, with all family members raptly watching each
unveiling. "I feel like I've married into a pack of savages," the new
wife told her husband upon witnessing her in-laws' bird-of-prey method;
he countered that an onlooker at her family rite could faint from boredom
by the time everyone was finished opening gifts.
Steven J. Wolin, M.D., a Washington, D.C., psychiatrist who has
studied ritual practices in healthy and dysfunctional families, points
out that the deeply resonant nature of holiday events puts a special
responsibility on spouses to negotiate an agreement on the format and
style their celebration will follow.
Wolin contends that we yearn for ritual "as if there is a deep
structure for it in the brain, like Chomsky's view of language." It
certainly holds enormous emotional power over us. In a now-classic study
on the impact of alcohol abuse on family life, Wolin found that ritual is
highly protective. It contributes both stability and a sense of identity
to families. Indeed, among families that were able to maintain the role
of ritual in their lives despite the disorganizing impact of parental
alcohol abuse, there was significantly less transmission of alcoholism to
the next generation.
In the course of the family interviews he conducted, one woman told
him, "my brother-in-law maintains that people should not be allowed to
get married until they've discussed Christmas." One wise brother-in-law.
Just whose ritual style will prevail? One or both partners is bound to
feel bad, even unloved, when their current family does the celebration
"the wrong way." And if the in-laws should be invited for all or part of
the holiday celebration—often a way to maintain contact with grown
children—they're bound to feel like aliens from outer space.
While some rituals are vital to the life of the healthy family and
help stimulate a sense of connectedness, the precise way Christmas
celebrations are carried out can be upsetting, or frankly divisive, even
within the immediate family. There are those family members who want
everything performed exactly as it's been done since they were
little—the same table settings, the same foods, the same mode of dress,
the same seating arrangements, the same order of activities. Other family
members are more comfortable with change, especially as dictated by
current needs. "Those who force continuity," Wolin finds, "are usually
disappointed."
As one father lamented to him: "When the kids were very young, I
bought a Santa Claus outfit and the whole bit... but now Christmas is not
the same. The kids come home, and they go through it, but it's not fun.
The best thing about Christmas is the day after, as far as I'm concerned.
It's something you're obligated to do that you finally get
through."
Rituals are powerful because they automatically connect us with the
past, but a slavish adherence to them is stultifying. In fact, Wolin
found that they backfire when families don't adapt them from one phase of
development to the next—say, the children becoming adults in their own
right. Then the customs become hollow, participants only play-act their
roles—and the emptiness of the gestures encourages the younger
generation to flee holiday celebrations in their own lives.
Besides, says Wolin, "we act badly when our expectation for
meaningful ritual is disappointed. We feel unfulfilled and tell our
fellow ritual-goers that they have it wrong." Of course, he adds, "many
individuals, especially men, are either running away from the rituals of
their past or they haven't a clue that all this matters. They simply put
up no objection to their ritual-keeping wives—until they are asked to do
something, to join in."
Because young children thrive on familiarity, cohesiveness and
continuity, families generally develop a new respect for rituals when
children arrive in their lives. But as those same children enter
adolescence, and begin questioning everything familial, it may well be
time to add some novel events, perhaps seek the children's input, or
otherwise demonstrate flexibility in the execution of ritual
celebrations.
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