One question I explore with somebody who has had lots of sexual
relationships is whether it's an addiction or, in the case of men
particularly, a sense of entitlement. There are some women now in
positions of power who also seem to be treating sex in the same casual
way and exploiting power in the same way as male philanderers.
Nevertheless, in our culture, there is a sense of male privilege that
condones and even encourages affairs.
HM: How does entitlement affect matters?
SG: If a man feels entitled, he experiences little guilt. Also, it
is not necessarily a compulsive behavior; he has the ability to choose to
stop it -- if he changes his attitudes, if he sees what the consequences
are, if he comes to believe that marriage means more than being a
provider but being a loving father or caring husband. Even if he doesn't
see anything wrong with philandering, if he can see the pain it causes
someone he loves, he may really make the vow not only to his partner but
to himself.
A sexually addicted person usually uses sex the way others use
drugs: they get anxious, they say they're not going to do it, but then
they're driven toward it. They get a momentary gratification followed by
remorse. They decide they're not going to do it again, then they
do.
HM: There's a compulsive quality.
SG: There is also often remorse and guilt. If they get into
therapy, they may learn what addiction means in their life. Often,
there's an emptiness that's linked to a need for excitement. There may be
an underlying depression. They then begin to deal with the underlying
source of that compulsive behavior.
There may be a history of incest or sexual abuse. Some women may be
turning the tables by using their sexuality to control men rather than be
controlled by them, or they may be using sex as a way to get affection,
because they don't believe that they can get it any other way. Some
people may be acting out like rebellious adolescents against a spouse who
is too parental.
HM: What is happening in relationships that are parental or
otherwise unequal?
SG: Sometimes there is an overfunctioning spouse and an
underfunctioning spouse. One partner takes on a lot of
responsibility -- and then resents it. The more a person puts energy into
something and tries to work on it, the more committed to the relationship
that person is. The other partner, who is only semi-involved in the
relationship, is freer to get involved in an affair; they're not as
connected to the marriage.
This is interesting because the popular notion is that the person
who has the affair wasn't getting enough at home. The reality is that
they weren't giving enough at home.
HM: How do you handle that?
SG: In rebuilding that relationship, more equity has to be created.
The issue isn't what can the betrayed spouse do to make the partner
happy -- it's what can the unfaithful spouse do to make their partner
happy. In research and in practice, my colleague Tom Wright, Ph.D., and I
have observed that when you compare who does more -- who is more
understanding, who is more romantic, who enjoys sex more -- the affair is
almost always more equitable than the marriage. Usually, the person was
giving more -- more time, more attention, more compliments -- in the affair
than in the marriage. If they can invest in the marriage what they were
doing in the affair, they'll feel more.
There is some research showing that people are more satisfied in
equitable relationships. When relationships are not equitable, even the
overbenefited partners are not as satisfied as those in equitable
relationships.
HM: You seem to be constantly reversing the conventional wisdom
about affairs.
SG: I've noticed that when younger women get involved in affairs
early in the marriage and then leave, often they have not been invested
in the marriage. They're working hard, climbing a ladder; the husband is
the one making dinner while she's working late. He is the devastated one,
because he is really committed and has given a lot. But he is peripheral
in her life.
I've seen several couples who had a plan they agreed on, to build a
house, or for one partner to go back to school. The person who had the
responsibility for carrying out the plan was totally engrossed in it,
while the other person felt so neglected that they then had an affair.
The betrayed person felt terribly betrayed, because he or she thought he
was working for their future. But he didn't necessarily listen to
distress signs.
A relationship is like a fire. You can let it go down, but you
can't let it go out. Even though you're in another part of the house, you
have to go back every once in a while to stoke the coals.
HM: Do you ever counsel people directly to leave a
relationship?
SG: I would support a betrayed spouse ending the relationship if a
period of time has gone by in which they have tried to work on the
relationship but the affair continues secretly.
Leaving a bad marriage without trying to repair it first is like
buying high and selling low. Better to see how good you can make it, then
look at it and ask: Is this good enough?
HM: What percentage of couples make it?
Tags:
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