Shattered Vows

Rebuild your relationship by rebuilding trust. Then open "windows" in the relationship.

By Hara Estroff Marano, Shirley Glass, published on July 01, 1998 - last reviewed on September 13, 2005

SG: In the past, when someone was suspicious they could ask their partner: "What's going on? You seem distant lately." If the partner denied anything was wrong, there wasn't a whole lot a person could do. Now there's tangible evidence people can utilize to find out if their hunches are indeed true.

HM: There is a public conception of affairs as glamorous, but the aftermath is pretty messy. How do we square these views?

SG: They're both true. In those captured moments, there is passion and romance. We're in Stage One of relationship formation -- idealizing the partner. This Stage One can go on for years, as long as there's a forbidden aspect.

The admiration and positive mirroring can go on for a long time -- until you get to a reality-based relationship. And this is why so many affairs end after the person leaves the marriage.

HM: How many affairs survive as enduring relationships?

SG: Only 10 percent of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day and deal with all the little irritations in a relationship, you're into Stage Two: disillusionment.

HM: How do most affairs get exposed?

SG: Sometimes the betrayed partner will just ask, "Are you involved with somebody else?" Sometimes the affair partner, when it's a woman, does something to inform the wife -- she sends a letter or even shows up on the doorstep. She asks, "Do you know where your husband's been?" Her motivation is not to be helpful but to break up the marriage. But often she's the one who then gets left out.

Sometimes people find out in horrible ways. They read about it in the newspaper, or they get a sexually transmitted disease. Or the cell phone bill arrives. Or their partner gets arrested -- if there is a sexual addiction, the partner may be caught with prostitutes. Sometimes, somebody is suspicious and checks it out by going to the hotel room to see whether their partner's alone, or by hiring detectives.

HM: Can all relationships be fixed?

SG: No. What I look for is how the unfaithful partner shows empathy for the pain that they have caused when the betrayed spouse starts acting crazy.

HM: In what way do they act crazy?

SG: They're very emotional. They cry easily, their emotions flip-flop. They are hypervigilant. They want to look at the beeper. They have flashbacks. In the car, they hear a country-western song and start crying or accusing. They obsess over the details of the affair. Although these are common post-traumatic reactions to infidelity, their behavior is very erratic and upsetting to them and their partner. How much compassion the partner has for that is one hallmark.

Another sign of salvageability lies in how much responsibility the unfaithful partner takes for the choice they made, regardless of problems that preexisted in the marriage. (We definitely need to work on the weaknesses of the marriage, but not to justify the affair.)

If the unfaithful partner says, "You made me do it," that's not as predictive of a good outcome as when the partner says, "We should have gone to counseling to deal with the problems before this happened." Sometimes the unfaithful partner doesn't regret the affair because it was very exciting.

One of the big strains between the partners in the primary relationship is the way they perceive the affair partner.

HM: How so?

SG: A lot of the anger and the rage the betrayed spouse feels is directed toward the affair partner rather than the marital partner: "That person doesn't have any morals; .... That person's a home wrecker." To believe that of the marital partner would make it difficult to stay in the relationship.

At the same time, the person who had the affair may still be idealizing the affair partner. The unfaithful spouse perceives the affair partner as an angel, whereas the betrayed person perceives them as an evil person.

It's important at some point in the healing process for the involved person to see some flaws in the affair partner, so that they can partly see what their partner, the betrayed spouse, is telling them. It's also important for the betrayed spouse to see the affair partner not as a cardboard character but as a human being who did some caring things.

HM: Is there anything else that helps you gauge the salvageability of a relationship after an affair?

SG: Empathy, responsibility -- and the degree of understanding of the vulnerabilities that made an affair possible.

HM: What vulnerabilities?

SG: There are individual vulnerabilities, such as curiosity. Somebody gets invited for lunch, and they go to the house because they're curious. They must learn that getting curious is a danger sign. Or if some damsel or guy in distress comes with a sad story, they learn to give out the name of a great therapist instead of becoming their confessor and confidante. Knowing what the vulnerabilities are helps you avoid them.

HM: And relationship vulnerabilities?

SG: The biggest one I see today is the child-centered marriage. I tell couples, If you really love your kids, the best gift you can give them is your own happy marriage. You can't have a happy marriage if you never spend time alone. Your children need to see you closing the bedroom door or going out together without them. That gives a sense of security greater than what they get by just by being loved.