Emotional intimacy is the second element. When someone starts
confiding things to another person that they are reluctant to confide to
their partner, and the emotional intimacy is greater in the friendship
than in the marriage, that's very threatening. One common pathway to
affairs occurs when somebody starts confiding negative things about their
marriage. What they're doing is signaling: "I'm vulnerable; I may even be
available."
The third element is sexual chemistry. That can occur even if two
people don't touch. If one says, "I'm really attracted to you," or "I had
a dream about you last night, but, of course, I'm married, so we won't do
anything about that," that tremendously increases the sexual tension by
creating forbidden fruit in the relationship.
HM: Another question you told me people now ask is, "Are you a liar
if you lie about an affair?" How do you answer?
SG: Lying goes with the territory. If you're not lying, you have an
open marriage. There may be lies of omission or lies of commission. The
lie of omission is, "I had to stop at the gym on my way home." There is
the element of truth, but the omission of what was really happening: "I
left after 15 minutes and spent the next 45 minutes at someone's
apartment."
The lies of commission are the elaborate deceptions people create.
The more deception and the longer it goes on, the more difficult it is to
rebuild trust in the wake of an affair.
HM: The deception makes a tremendous psychological difference to
the betrayed spouse. What about to the person who constructed the
deception?
SG: Once the affair's been discovered, the involved partner could
have a sense of relief, if they hate lying and don't see themselves as
having that kind of moral character. They'll say, "I can't understand how
I could have done a thing like this, this is not the kind of person I
am."
Some people thrive on the game. For them, part of the passion and
excitement of an affair is the lying and getting away with something
forbidden.
There are some people who have characterological problems, and the
affair may be a symptom of that. Such people lie about their
accomplishments; they are fraudulent in business. When it's
characterological, I don't know any way to rebuild trust; no one can ever
be on sure footing with that person.
HM: So there is always moral compromise just by being in an
affair?
SG: Which is why some people, no matter how unhappy they are in
their marriage, don't have affairs. They can't make the compromise. Or
they feel they have such an open relationship with the spouse that they
just could not do something like that without telling their partner about
it.
HM: Do affairs ever serve a positive function -- not to excuse any of
the damage they do?
SG: Affairs are often a chance for people to try out new behaviors,
to dress in a different costume, to stretch and grow and assume a
different role. In a long-term relationship, we often get frozen in our
roles. When young couples begin at one level of success and go on to many
achievements, the new person sees them as they've become, while the old
person sees them as they were.
The unfortunate thing is that the way a person is different in the
affair would, if incorporated into the marriage, probably make their
spouse ecstatic. But they believe they're stuck; they don't know how to
create opportunity for change within the marriage. A woman who was
sexually inhibited in marriage -- perhaps she married young and had no
prior partners -- may find her sexuality in an affair, but her husband
would probably be thrilled to encounter that new self.
HM: How do you handle this?
SG: After an affair, I do not ask the question you would expect.
The spouse always wants to know about "him" or "her": "What did you see
in her that you didn't see in me?" Or, "What did you like about him
better?" I always ask about "you": "What did you like about yourself in
that other relationship?" "How were you different?" and "Of the way that
you were in that other relationship, what would you like to bring back so
that you can be the person you want to be in your primary relationship?
.... How can we foster that part of you in this relationship?"
HM: That's a surprise. How did you come to know that's the question
to ask?
SG: There is an attraction in the affair, and I try to understand
what it is. Part of it is the romantic projection: I like the way I look
when I see myself in the other person's eyes. There is positive
mirroring. An affair holds up a vanity mirror, the kind with all the
little bulbs around it; it gives a rosy glow to the way you see yourself.
By contrast, the marriage offers a makeup mirror; it magnifies every
little flaw. When someone loves you despite seeing all your flaws, that
is a reality-based love.
In the stories of what happened during the affair, people seem to
take on a different persona, and one of the things they liked best about
being in that relationship was the person they had become. The man who
wasn't sensitive or expressive is now in a relationship where he is
expressing his feelings and is supportive.
HM: Can those things be duplicated in the marriage?
SG: That's one of the goals -- not to turn the betrayed spouse into
the affair partner, but to free the unfaithful spouse to express all the
parts of himself he was able to experience in the affair.
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