Shattered Vows

Rebuild your relationship by rebuilding trust. Then open "windows" in the relationship.

By Hara Estroff Marano, Shirley Glass, published on July 01, 1998 - last reviewed on September 13, 2005

SG: Sometimes infidelity is just about sex. That is often more true for men. In my research, 44 percent of men who said they had extramarital sex said they had slight or no emotional involvement; only 11 percent of women said that. Oral sex is certainly about sex. Some spouses are more upset if the partner had oral sex than if they had intercourse; it just seems so much more intimate.

HM: What is the infidelity in infidelity?

SG: The infidelity is that you took something that was supposed to be mine, which is sexual or emotional intimacy, and you gave it to somebody else. I thought that we had a special relationship, and now you have contaminated it; it doesn't feel special any more, because you shared something very precious to us with someone else.

There are gender differences. Men feel more betrayed by their wives having sex with someone else; women feel more betrayed by their husbands being emotionally involved with someone else. What really tears men apart is to visualize their partner being sexual with somebody else.

Women certainly don't want their husbands having sex with somebody else, but they may be able to deal with an impersonal one-night fling better than a long-term relationship in which their husband was sharing all kinds of loving ways with somebody else.

HM: Why are affairs so deeply wounding?

SG: Because you have certain assumptions about your marriage. That I chose someone, and the other person chose me; we have the same values; we have both decided to have an exclusive relationship, even though we may have some problems. We love each other -- and therefore I am safe.

When you find out your partner has been unfaithful, then everything you believe is totally shattered. And you have to rebuild the world. The fact that you weren't expecting it, that it wasn't part of your assumption about how a relationship operates, causes traumatic reactions.

HM: And it is deeply traumatic.

SG: It's terrible. The wounding results because -- and I've heard this so many times -- I finally thought I met somebody I could trust.

HM: It violates that hope or expectation that you can be who you really are with another person?

SG: Yes. Affairs really aren't about sex; they're about betrayal. Imagine you are married to somebody very patriotic and then find out your partner is a Russian spy. Someone having a long-term affair is leading a double life. Then you find out all that was going on in your partner's life that you knew nothing about: gifts that were exchanged, poems and letters that were written, trips that you thought were taken for a specific reason were actually taken to meet the affair partner.

To find out about all the intrigue and deception that occurred while you were operating under a different assumption is totally shattering and disorienting. That's why people then have to get out their calendars and go back over the dates to put all the missing pieces together: "When you went to the drugstore that night and said your car broke down and didn't come home for three hours, what was really happening?"

HM: This is necessary?

SG: In order to heal. Because any time somebody suffers from a trauma, part of the recovery is telling the story. The tornado victim will go over and over the story -- when the storm came I was in my room... " -- trying to understand what happened, and how it happened. "Didn't we see the black clouds? How come we didn't know?"

HM: And so they repeat the story until it no longer creates unmanageable arousal?

SG: Yes. In fact, sometimes people are more devastated if everything was wonderful before they found out. When a betrayed spouse who suspected something says, "I don't know if I can ever trust my partner again," it is reassuring to tell them that they can trust their own instincts the next time they have those storm warnings. But if somebody thought everything was wonderful, how would they ever know if it happened again? It's frightening.

HM: One question people these days are asking you is, Is oral sex really infidelity?

SG: The question they ask is, Is oral sex really adultery? And that's a different question, because adultery is a legal term. It is also a biblical term. The real issue is, Is oral sex infidelity? You don't need to ask a psychologist that -- just ask any spouse: "Would you feel that it was an infidelity for your partner to engage in that type of behavior?"

HM: Would women answer that differently from men?

SG: It is not necessarily a function of gender. People might answer it differently for themselves than for their partners. Some people maintain a kind of technical virginity by not having intercourse. However, even kissing in a romantic, passionate way is an infidelity. People know when they cross that line from friendship to affair.

HM: So you don't have to have intercourse to have an affair?

SG: Absolutely. There can be an affair without any kind of touching at all. People have affairs on the Internet.

HM: What is the sine qua non of an affair?

SG: Three elements determine whether a relationship is an affair.

One is secrecy. Suppose two people meet every morning at seven o'clock for coffee before work, and they never tell their partners. Even though it might be in a public place, their partner is not going to be happy about it. It is going to feel like a betrayal, a terrible deception.