Think out the crisis without regard to gender. You are a happily
married wife and mother, and you have just developed a crush on someone.
It happens in most people's life, often at times of crisis or loss, when
the urge to run off into la la land and escape reality is tempting. You
may be depressed from some other forces in your life, and it might help
to look at them.
Our job as grownups is to refuse to act on temptation, to distance
ourselves as much as possible no matter how intense the desire, and to
call upon our loved ones to help us resist. I would recommend that you
get your head on as straight as you can and tell your husband what you
are going through. He will either lovingly and tolerantly assist you or
go into a crisis of his own. But do not act on the attraction; whatever
chaos results will be worse if it is consummated. (If you have
consummated it since you wrote the letter, stop now.)
You may need some help with this but be careful to choose a
therapist who understands and accepts normal bisexuality, not somebody
who has a political commitment to gender identity absolutism. Once you
know you can be attracted to twice as many people as you thought, enjoy
the attractions, save up the juices, and hurry home to the husband you
love and with whom you enjoy your sex life. Enjoy.
DEAR DR. FRANK,
My former best friend and I met at 17 and had a very close
friendship for the next eleven years. But she was possessive and jealous
of my other friends, and I finally broke off the friendship. Since then I
feel I've expanded my horizons and grown a lot. I do miss her, though.
She called me a few weeks ago and said that she too has grown and changed
and wants to be friends again. Can I keep both of us from falling back
into our old, enmeshed pattern? How do I go about forging our friendship
on a healthier basis?
Dear Unbound,
One of the advantages of friends over husbands or wives is that you
don't have to be married to them. You also don't have to check in with
them or keep them in mind. You don't have to work things out with them,
and you don't have to be faithful to them (loyal--yes, exclusive--no). A
friend who requires exclusivity is no longer a friend.
But you accepted this model of Siamese friendship for eleven years,
so it must have met your needs, too.
Is it now safe? Only if you both have other friends who can
counterbalance her possessiveness and yours. Get together with her, but
avoid the temptation to "work it out" with her: working things out
produces intimacy. Do things with her. go places with her and other
people, talk about anything except the relationship. What you need is
merely a playmate, not a soul mate. We look to marriage to ground us and
connect us to the past and the future, but we look to friendship to
liberate us and connect us to the world going on around us. A friendship
that grounds us and binds us is a contradiction in terms.
DEAR DR. FRANK,
I'm a guy. What should I do about it in today's unpredictable
world?
Dear Guy,
I know it isn't respectable to be a guy these days, but it's a
messy business to try to change it. Don't even apologize for it. Try
instead to learn what to do with it to make it work for you.
We are at an interesting time in the world's social history. This
is the twilight of patriarchy Women have been declared full-scale human
beings rather than service units for men and children, and men are no
longer required to die for their masculinity. We won't get worshiped any
longer, but we get to live. Loving people is no longer "women's work." We
guys may still get some love and some nurturing, but we're expected to
give back as well. Modern manhood is not a bad deal. Consider the
advantages:
The prohibition on your going around acting like a hero lets you
take it easy; you don't have to risk your life.
The fact that you can never expect to be sole "head of the
household" means that you can be married to an equal partner rather than
a surly servant who pretends to be a nincompoop so she won't scare you
and make your balls fall off.
The fact that your Y chromosome doesn't automatically make you a
"master of the universe" frees you up to become a human being.
And if you're doing it right, you don't even have to spend all your
time sitting around with the other guys drinking beer and complaining
about women. (It is self-defeating to complain about women unless you
have devised an alternative.) When you have had your fill of talking
about cars, money, and baseball statistics, you can talk about your
confusion over what to do with your masculinity now that it is no longer
being worshiped. Talking with other men about the changing world, in
which patriarchy is fading around us and each generation of men comes
into a lesser patrimony, can keep you from feeling so lonely and pitiful
about it.
You need to understand what is going on. Read books on feminism.
Start with Riane Eisler's The Chalice and the Blade. It explains the
roots of patriarchy and the alternatives. Read women's magazines and find
out how women see us. It will scare the socks off you, but everything
will become clearer.
Then read books about men. Read Robert Thy. Read my book Man
Enough. Avoid John Gray like the plague: he offers a formula for male
loneliness and female frustration.
Tags:
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distressed merchandise,
dr frank,
dr laura,
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frank pittman,
genuine wisdom,
imperfections,
lithium,
manic depressive,
medicine cabinet,
medicine closet,
psychiatric history,
right off the bat,
skeletons,
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