Radio icon Laura Schlessinger, Ph.D.--"Dr. Laura" to her 20
millionlisteners--is more popular than Howard Stern, but no less
controversial. Like a mythological creature who is equal parts therapist,
rabbi, and drill sergeant, Schlessinger chides, cajoles, and sometimes
condemns her callers--whatever you do, don't I tell her Your problems are
due to an unhappy childhood. She's been hailed for reviving public
discourse on character and deeded for her gruff approach toward callers
whose actions don't meet her standards. (Even Rush Limbaugh doesn't call
his listeners "sluts.") She's got a syndicated newspaper column and three
best-selling books; the latest is 10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up
Their Lives (HarperCollins). But above all, she's her kid's mom.
PT: You were a family therapist for 12 years and your radio show
basically began as a conventional psychology show. Why did you begin
concentrating on moral issues?
LS: I was never thoroughly conventional. But since my conversion to
Judaism, over three years ago, I've become much more interested in
advocating moral and ethical behavior in spite of whatever psychological
turmoil is present. To me, there's no excuse for behaving unethically.
What's happened is that we've forgotten the benefits of a moral framework
and instead imagine all our problems to be psychological. More than that,
behaving morally has a beneficial long-term effect on one's happiness and
mental health. That's why I "preach, teach, and nag" about morals on the
show.
PT: Many people still think of the show as "radio therapy."
LS: My producer, Carolyn Holt, screens the calls, and she asks,
"What moral or ethical dilemma are you struggling with?" And if their
problem doesn't fit into that format, they don't get on the air.
PT: Tell us more about the link between moral health and mental
health.
LS: That's why I wrote the book, How Could You Do That? Emotional
turmoil is real. But ultimately we decide the course of our lives by the
ethical decisions we make. A woman might call and say, "I'm dating a
married man." And some psychologists might say, "Gee, we go back into
your past and we find that your dad was not there, so maybe you're going
after a father figure." But you're not justified in contributing to the
breaking of vows and the breakdown of that family because you need a
father figure. If you spend your time and energy trying to attain what
you didn't have as a child, you never grow. So if you sit with the pain
of not having a dad and work through it in some constructive way, you'll
have a much better life. I went so far with a caller as to say, "Do you
remember the commandment, Thou shalt not covet?" And she was stunned that
she had obligations to behave responsibly regardless of her own desires.
I talk about values that are obviously Judeo-Christian based. But one
does not have to be proselytizing a particular religion in order to
uphold values that are therapeutically positive.
PT: Why does morality have to be based on religion at all?
LS: You get very religious people who behave immorally, you get
very moral people who don't seem to have a foundation in religion.
Ultimately, I think you have a better chance of a moral life when it is
within a religious context because being involved in a religion
constantly challenges you to think about what you're doing. It keeps you
on your moral toes.
PT: One key to understanding your value system is your habit of
identifying yourself on the air not as a therapist, but as "My kid's
mom." [Her son, Deryk, is 12.]
LS: I had a tremendous revelation when I finally got pregnant.
Having a child is the ultimate [education in] giving and in being
responsible for someone other than yourself. When I went back to work
after Deryk started school. I mentioned on the air the people who work
with me, because we're a team. I said, Carolyn Holt is this, so-and-so is
that, and when I got to me--it's obvious that I'm the host, right? And it
just flowed out of my mouth: "And me, I am my kid's mom." It's the most
important thing that I do.
PT: Does your husband ever feel just a little jealous that you
place so much emphasis on your son?
LS: No, because we have the same philosophy. I'll tell you a story.
When we first got married and talked about getting pregnant, we were
watching something on PBS about life boat ethics: you have a boat that
only holds 20 people, and you have 25. Do you put 25 in and everybody
dies, or do you throw out five and kill them? I turned to Lew and said,
"We have our kid, we're out in the ocean, and you can only save one of
us, the kid or me. Who would you save?" Mind you, I'm not pregnant yet.
My husband, not being stupid, refused to answer. I said, "I'd save you."
He looked stunned. He said, "Why?" And I said, "We could always make
another baby."
Then I got pregnant. I woke up in the middle of the night and
remembered that whole story. I woke Lew up. He got all hysterical; he
thought I was giving birth. I said, "Do you remember the show about life
boat ethics? Well, how long can you tread water?" Because I realized
something important: your child is your first responsibility. It isn't
that my marriage isn't important, or that my husband isn't my life's
blood. It just means that for both of us, it's our primary
responsibility. And he laughed, and said he was wondering how long it
would take for me to realize this. He's such a nice man. He is his kid's
dad.
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