Walk into any bookstore in America, head for the psychology
section, andthere shelved side by side--until sales do them part--you'll
find two of the gurus of marriage and relationships, John Gottman, Ph.D.,
and John Gray, Ph.D.
Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington,
virtually invented the science of observing how people behave within
relationships. From groans and grimaces we scarcely notice, Gottman can
predict the likelihood of marital bliss with almost frightening accuracy.
He's a prolific writer, but most of his work appears in scholarly
journals. A few years ago he penned a book for nonprofessionals, Why
Marriages Succeed or Fail (Simon & Schuster). It sells
respectably.
But Gottman's royalty checks pale compared to those of John Gray,
who at last count had sold 10 million copies of Men Are from Mars, Women
Are from Venus (Harper Collins) and its four sequels. His latest effort
is Mars and Venus on a Date--hey, why restrict a hot concept to married
folks? Or even adults: Gray is already developing a Mars-Venus approach
to raising kids.
Of course, we haven't even talked about Gray's audio tapes and
videos. Or his one-man show on Broadway earlier this year. The Celebrity
Line cruises. CD-ROMs. Seminars. A recent prime-time television special.
And the first franchise deal to hit psychotherapy: for a few thousand
dollars, plus a yearly renewal fee, you too can buy the right to call
your therapy practice a "Mars & Venus Counseling Center." Lack the
appropriate professional credentials? So does Gray, who isn't licensed to
practice psychology but is allowed to work as a "spiritual counselor" in
California because of his nine-year stint as a monk.
John Gottman and John Gray, side by side. The placement
invites--nay, demand--a comparison of the two. How do their information
and advice stack up? The short answer is that Gottman is the gold
standard while Gray is the gold earner. Gottman creates top psychology,
while Gray mines pop psychology (or "poop psychology," in the words of
one PT reader). Below, we've compiled a handy crib sheet from their
writings and sayings. Judge for yourself.
A Tale of Two Relationship Gurus
ISSUE GOTTMAN
Academic credentials Ph.D., University of Illinois
License Psychologist
Best-selling book Why Marriages Succeed (55,000 copies
sold)
Number of journal 109
articles written
Academic research Naturalistic observation of couples
living in apartment laboratory,
physiological monitoring
Number of couples
formally studies 760
Cardinal rule of What people think they do in
relationships relationships and what they actually
do are two different things
Defining statement It's the everyday, mindless moments
that are the basis of romance in
marriage
What makes marriage Making mental maps of each other's
work world
What makes marriages Heeding gender stereotypes; reactions
fail to stress
Relationship heroes Men who put the toilet seat down
Key gender difference Men's and women's bodies respond
differently when negative emotions
become intense
Basic reason for It's virtually inevitable between
marital conflict two people
Men's biggest mistake Failing to take a deep breath during
conflict
Women's biggest Stating complaints as criticisms
mistake
Why men don't help They weren't trained to notice
out at home domestic concerns
What the Johns say "I envy his financial success."
about each other
ISSUE GRAY
Academic credentials Ph.D., by correspondence course,
Columbia Pacific University (an
unaccredited institution)
License Driver
Best-selling book Men Are From Mars (6 million and
counting)
Number of journal 0
articles written
Academic research None
Number of couples 0
formally studies
Cardinal rule of Men and women are different
relationships
Defining statement Before 1950, men were men, and women
were women
What makes marriage Heeding gender stereotypes
work
What makes marriages Gender differences in communication
fail style
Relationship heroes Men who escape to their "cave"
Key gender difference Women talk too much about feelings
Basic reason for She hates Super Bowl Sunday
marital conflict
Men's biggest mistake Trying to solve her problems
Women's biggest Giving advice
mistake
Why men don't help They give their all at the office
out at home
What the Johns say "John who?"
about each other
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