Love Lessons

How to manage conflict without reciprocating, retaliating, or invalidating your partner.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on March 01, 1997 - last reviewed on September 27, 2006

Speak for yourself. Don't mind read.
Keep statements brief. Don't go on and on.
Stop and let the Listener paraphrase what you say.

Rules for the Listener:

Paraphrase what you hear the Speaker say.
Focus on the Speaker's message. Don't rebut.

Rules for Both the Speaker and the Listener:

The Speaker has the floor.
The Speaker keeps the floor while the Listener paraphrases.
Share the floor.

Marriage Survival Kit

John Gottman, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, says his studies show that couples whose relationships remain happy and stable know how to successfully repair problems. His Marriage Survival Kit teaches partners five basic skills for conflict resolution.

Use a softened start-up. Present your complaints without criticism. Criticism involves a global attack or blaming of a partner, and only incites defensiveness.
Accept influence. Positively take in your partner's attempts to request things of you. In good marriages, both men and women freely give and receive influence from each other. Since women are already good at accepting influence from men, Gottman finds, a husband's role becomes critical in predicting whether a marriage will survive. To the degree that men can accept influence from their wives, marriages succeed.
Repair, or put the brakes on conflict. This means doing anything to halt or reverse negativity. Gottman gives couples a 72-point repair checklist, which includes statements such as "I'm feeling sad," and "Let's start all over again." Even "Will you shut up and listen" is usually a repair attempt.
Make use of physiologic soothing. Men are more physiologically aroused during conflict—a factor that often prompts withdrawal, which is deadly for relationships. They will remain engaged in problem-solving only if they or their partners take specific steps to calm them down. One of the best ways to do this is to declare a "time out" during heated discussions, and reconvene after at least 20 minutes of thinking about something else, or nothing at all.
De-escalate discord. In good marriages, couples actively de-escalate conflicts by doing things like injecting humor into situations or planting a kiss on their partner's cheek. Unfortunately, this is the one behavior Gottman admits he can't program. It just happens when couples have a positive perspective.