Love Lessons

The technique, says Markman, is deceptively simple. "The Speaker" speaks, usually stating a complaint—without placing blame: It really makes me angry when you don't call and dinner is waiting on the table. "The Listener" doesn't respond or justify him or herself; he or she just demonstrates they've heard the comment by repeating it. "To be heard is a powerful tool by itself," Markman says. "It's at the core of all intimate relationships. You don't even need to solve the problem. In fact, it's critical not to resolve things, and just be heard by your partner. People want understanding from each other, not resolution. Couples are really arguing over things from the past. Once they clear the air, things get resolved by means of acceptance." During the private sessions, conducted by trained consultants, couples work on issues they haven't been able to resolve on their own.

If PREP puts most of its emphasis on the containment of negative emotions, it's because, Markman says, that's what takes a great deal of skill training; it's working against biology, which programs us to step up the attack or withdraw altogether. "If couples don't have good skills for handling problems," adds Scott Stanley, Ph.D., a codeveloper of PREP, "the negative overwhelms the positive in their relationships. Over the years, couples don't make time for positive experiences—and they tend not to protect these experiences from conflict. It's important to keep anything negative out of positive time together. It's our belief that with some protection, the positive parts of a relationship can and will flourish."

Handling conflict in a manageable way also fosters couples' commitment to work at their marriage. "For couples about to be married, it prevents an erosion of the positive," Markman says. The trick is being heard by one's partner; it's just damned difficult. We all have a variety of filters—levels of emotional arousal, expectations, fears, cultural beliefs, beliefs acquired in our families of origin, differences in style and pace, a need for self-protection—that distort the unpleasant messages our partners send. What's more, we're usually busy preparing our rebuttal. So what a woman thinks is a perfectly neutral statement may land like a bomb on her husband.

We Can Work It Out

What's more, says psychologist Clifford Notarius, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Catholic University in Washington, D.C., partners are not good at giving immediate feedback on how their messages are being received. This is especially true of unhappy couples. So Notarius has developed a course that helps couples hear eachother, and give and get necessary feedback. But even before that, he bolsters their sense of relationship efficacy, their belief that as a unit they can get through this stuff. He calls his course We Can Work It Out, because it highlights the importance of expecting success. He says his studies show that couples who believe they can resolve their differences remain happy even under stress.

The belief in efficacy can be cultivated, Notarius says, pointing out the very fine line the course treads: "At the same time you want a couple to believe they can work it out, you also want them to feel they can do better."

In paying attention to dimensions beyond skills, Notarius concentrates on how couples understand their relationships. First he helps them articulate what they want their marriage to look like. Then he shows them the skills to help them get there, because only then will they be motivated to learn.

While the skills component of Notarius's course bears many similarities to PREP—Notarius and Markman were both students of innovative researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., and together and separately pioneered observational studies of how marriages work—it has its differences, too. "The big question," says Notarius, "is how to get people to put into practice what they learn. As a result, we put a coach with each couple 80 percent of the time."

Then there are the big cardboard signs Notarius has couples use. "We're all lousy listeners," he says, "because we're all fragile. We don't want to hear we're the source of our partner's pain." To help people become aware of how their words affect each other, Notarius designates one partner as "the Listener," who holds up reaction cards—large signs with either a plus, minus, or neutral sign—as "the Speaker" speaks. Absent such clear feedback, he says, spouses don't understand why their partner's later response is an attack.