As the world spurns

How sensitivity to rejection can underminerelationships.

By PT Staff, published on February 01, 1997 - last reviewed on August 30, 2004

It's no surprise that people who are sensitive to rejection shy away from asking others out on dates. But as a study shows, they also tend to think they've been rebuffed when they haven't been. And this misunderstanding, ironically, can actually lead to the very rejection they fear--even if they're already in a long-term relationship.

Columbia University psychologist Geraldine Downey, Ph.D., has demonstrated just how ingrained this mind-set can be. Downey recruited college students for a study supposedly looking at how people form first impressions. Each person was assigned a partner with whom they were to have several one-on-one chats. But after the initial conversation, Downey told the students that their partner--in reality, a research assistant--didn't wish to continue the experiment. While most people cared little why their partner had split, rejection-sensitive folks were likely to feel responsible for the departure, expressing concerns like "I worried that I had bored him."

Such assumptions can carry over to intimate relationships, damaging the chances for long-lasting success. While you might expect insecure individuals to be meek when conflict arises with a lover, they're actually more likely to lose their cool, say spiteful things, or threaten to leave, reports Downey. As a result, couples in which one partner is rejection-sensitive are more likely to break up within a year than other dating duos. Fortunately, Downey says that partners of insecure people can help them overcome their problem by not taking their overreactions personally and by not responding in kind when they become hostile during disagreements.