Single women express more regret about not having children than
about not being married. Almost all go through some kind of struggle,
usually beginning in their thirties as parental pressure to settle down
and produce grandchildren increases. Some bear it stoically, others begin
to distance themselves from their families, seeing them less frequently
But the acute crisis hits around age 40 when they hear their biological
clocks running down. "It's the equivalent of runners hitting the wall,"
explains Anderson. "Women wonder 'What's wrong with me?' Sometimes they
struggle with it for a few years." Some who feel the need for children
decide to have them on their own or adopt. At age 48, Anderson adopted a
seven-year-old girl from Chile. Others nurture nieces and nephews or the
offspring of friends. Still more mentor junior colleagues or become
active in community youth programs.
Grappling with the issue of not having children is just one crucial
task facing women without spouses. Building an emotional support group is
another, says therapist Kathy Berliner, M.S.W., who together with
colleagues Natalie Schwartzberg, M.S.W., and Demaris Jacob, Ph.D.,
studied the lives of 50 never married women as part of the Clinical
Project on Singlehood at the Family Institute of Westchester, in New
York. "Women need to create a substitute family or have a broad range of
people to celebrate and commiserate with so that they don't feel bereft
or like an orphan," stresses Berliner, whose group's findings were
published last year in Single in a Married World: A Life Cycle Framework
for Working with the Unmarried Adult.
"I do worry about being alone in my old age," admits Kossoff, even
though "I've always been busy with lots of friends and activities, like
singing in choral groups, and going to art exhibits and movies. I
volunteer for public television and I'm an active member of my church and
work with a mission group that tries to find housing for the elderly
indigent." Women get high marks for making and sustaining emotional
connections. Unmarried men, in contrast, find the task agonizingly
difficult, as men generally rely on wives to do the social
networking.
But unwed women fall down badly when it comes to another crucial
task: planning their finances. Few think to sock away money for
retirement. Even if unmarried women have given up on the idea of hubby
and kids, they still are likely to cling--albeit subconsciously--to the
notion that miraculously they'll be taken care of. "Never-married women
eventually have to come to terms with not having the grander lifestyle
they may once have envisioned--the big house, the sporty little car, the
exotic vacations," says Sills. "Women still don't earn what men do and if
they haven't put money away, they can find themselves watching their
pennies."
If they've done all the basic groundwork, though, never-married
women find themselves growing happier with the years. They've made their
peace with themselves. By age 50 or so, many experience a blossoming
freedom. Their lives stretch out ahead, rich in possibilities and
opportunities, for another 30 years or so. Happily ever after. Happily
never married.
* Names have been changed.
PHOTO (COLOR): Women who stay single are apt to be among the most
intelligent and highly educated, and to have reached the top levels of
achievement--the exact opposite of never-minded men.
PHOTO (COLOR): "I could have married a guy when I was 21," says
41-year-old commercial artist. "But it would have been a cushy, boring
life and I knew in my heart that wasn't what I wanted."
PHOTO (COLOR): "I've seen too many 'Cheshire cat' women," says one
unmarried woman." When they're in relationships they tend to disappear
around the edges until all that's left is their smile."
Anastasia Toufexis, a former editor at Time magazine, is currently
at work on her first book.
CELEBRATED AND SINGLE-MINDED
Nowadays, them are many well-known women who have decided--so
far--that they're not the marrying kind. Here are some of their thoughts
about not being brides.
"People ask me about it all the time. I say, Ralph Nader never
married and he's my age [62]. Do you ask him the same question?"
-- Gloria Steinem, feminist icon
"My mother fell gravely ill when I was 15. My father was a doctor,
and I thought he'd care for her and cure her. Not only did he do nothing,
he never offered a word of sympathy. I resolved never to say yes to any
man who proposed marriage."
-- Jacqueline Bisset, actor
"I believe it's a fine idea. but I don't know if it's going to
happen to me, or if I'll participate enough in some situation that will
make it happen."
-- Diane Keaton, actor
"I didn't do strategic planning. But I must have seen [my choices]
as marriage and family or write these plays. And it was more important to
me to write the plays."
-- Wendy Wasserstein, playwright.
"I talked it over with Stedman [her fiance] and I said, 'This
scares me. Are you going to change your expectations of me? Are, you
going to start wanting me to come home and cook dinner, because I'm
telling you I don't think I can.'"
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