That's not to say that unwed women lead blissful, perfect lives,
that they've found nirvana. Just like other women--married, divorced, or
widowed--they have their share of troubles and worries: how to handle
loneliness and the lack of sex and children seem to be the top three. But
they're not, as common perception has it, necessarily emotional or
psychological cripples.
"Unmarried women are as normal as any other group of women,"
declares family therapist Carol Anderson, Ph.D., who with colleagues
Susan Stewart, Ph.D., and Sona Dimidjian, M.S.W., canvassed nearly 50
never-marrieds for their book Flying Solo: Single Women in Midlife. "In
fact," she adds, "single men show much more pathology than do single
women. Men generally do better--physically, mentally, career-wise--when
they're married, while for women, the opposite seems to hold true.
Surveys indicate that women tend to live longer, are happier, and
accomplish more professionally when they are single."
Women who stay single are apt to be among the most intelligent and
highly educated, and to have reached the top levels of achievement.
"That's the exact opposite of never-married men, who tend to be drawn
from the bottom of the socioeconomic heap," says Witzel.
WHY WOMEN ARE SINGLE-MINDED
The fact that men have traditionally married down and women up
probably hurts successful career women's chances of finding husbands,
Witzel notes. "There are simply fewer candidates for women at the top."
Age may also be a factor. "Men my age are not interested in women my
age," says Shelley Miller[*], 41, a commercial artist in Chicago.
"They're busy bedding 20-year-olds. And I'm not interested in sleeping
with 20-year-old toy boys." But that alone does not explain why so many
women are staying single. In fact, there doesn't appear to be any single
reason for women not tying the knot. Do they fear commitment? Shun
intimacy? Are they choosing something over love--a career, independence,
themselves?
It's as much a mystery to the unmarried women. "I really don't know
why I'm single," says Miller. "My parents are still married but all the
other couples in the neighborhood got divorced. They all married at 20
and lived in suburbia with the kids and the dog. Then when the sexual
revolution arrived the husbands said, 'By, honey, I'm joining up.' I
myself have had several long-term live-in relationships. One was with a
guy in college. I could have married him when I was 21. But it would have
been a cushy, boring life and I knew in my heart that that wasn't what I
wanted. The truth is I never really thought about marriage. My Barbie
doll never went tripping down the aisle; it just wasn't one of my
fantasies."
On the other hand, Martha Kossoff, a 44-year-old college
administrator who lives in northern Virginia, grew up expecting that
she'd get married at some point. Yet she says, "I was never particularly
interested in cleaning house or cooking, and childbirth never appealed to
me. Maybe on an unconscious level I don't really want to get
married."
No common pattern emerges among the never married. They are as
likely to have nurturing, supportive parents as abusive, destructive
ones; to come from privileged homes as dirt-poor surroundings; to have
had positive examples, such as a spinster aunt who was a Wall Street
whiz, as negative ones, such as a mother who traded in dreams of becoming
a writer to care for her husband and kids.
Most women find themselves on the path to never married by
accident, not design. "Almost all are surprised by the fact that they're
not married," notes Anderson, a professor of psychiatry at the University
of Pittsburgh Medical School. "It's not something they dreamed of." Since
living solo is not something they aspire to, they don't have or look for
role models. If they did, they'd find that many celebrated women, past
and present, are never-marrieds. Anderson, now 56, thought she herself
would wed. "From age 13, I always had a steady boyfriend. But none of
them seemed quite right. Having men in my life is important to me. Life
becomes a little brighter with them."
Contrary to the myths, lifelong single women are not man haters or
fearful of sex, though for many, liaisons with men may, regretfully, be
few and far between. In the interim, women make do with masturbating or
they simply do without. Still, many never-marrieds enjoy their fair share
of affairs; some even maintain live-in relationships. Indeed, almost all
of the women interviewed by therapists have had at least one--and often
several--opportunities to marry but chose not to, fearing the loss of
their independence and even their identity. "They like it when they're in
love but are unwilling to be in a mediocre relationship or compromise too
much just to be in a relationship," explains Anderson. "One unmarried
woman said she saw too many 'Cheshire cat' women. When they're in
relationships they tend to disappear around the edges until all that's
left is their smile."
"What I value is the freedom to do what you want when you want,"
says Kossoff. "I like to control my own life. I'd only get married if I
was treated as an equal." The prospects may not be high, but she, like
many never-married women, isn't ready to rule out marriage.
"Never-marrieds just think of it like winning the lottery," Anderson
observes. "It's a windfall that can make a good life better but they can
live happily without it."
THE DOWNSIDE OF SAYING No
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