I'm in love with a widower named Ron, whose daughters, although
grown, seem to need a great deal from him. In addition to supporting them
financially, he's also providing a great deal of emotional support. The
23-year-old, Renee, managed to graduate from college despite a substance
abuse problem. Although she says she's now ready to deal with her
situation, she has yet to get a job, and she relies on Ron to pay her
rent, her food bills, and god knows what else. Ron's elder daughter,
Rachel, is 25 and engaged. In addition to wanting Ron to pay for her
wedding, she's asked him to help pay for the house she and her fiance
hope to buy.
I've tried to be sympathetic to these motherless young women, but
I'm beginning to wonder if he'll ever be able to cut the cord and dote on
me the way he says he wants to. Should I be patient or should I cut him
off and find someone else?
Undoted
Dear Undoted,
This generous and parental man seems to have enough adult children
already, and if you barged in as his third child you'd be sucking hind
tit. We need a clearinghouse for grown-ups who want to put themselves up
for adoption -- there are many of them -- but I've seen only grief for
everyone when men kick their own children out of the nest and replace
them with some doteless damsel. You could, of course, be right in your
belief that these young women would be better treated with tough love,
stinginess, and a mean and intolerant stepmother; Cinderella turned out
okay, but she had a fairy godmother as well. Have you considered that
role?
Rather than seeking a less paternal man to be paternal toward you,
can you examine yourself?. You may be the problem here. Taking candy from
babies is bad enough, but taking parents from children of any age is
unforgivable. Never compete with someone's children. Maybe if you did
some of the nurturing of the girls, their father would be freed up to be
more nurturing toward you. But you will still always be the grown-up, if
you can manage it, and they will always be the children.
DEAR DR. FRANK,
We all know that in this age of AIDS, getting a guy you don't
really know to wear a condom is important. But exactly how would you
advise asking this oh-so-delicate question?
Shy, polite, and naked
Dear Shy,
Just say no.
I'm wondering why you are in bed with some guy you really don't
know, a man who is such a thrill seeker he would gamble his life (and
yours) by going bareback with a stranger, but you're not asking me about
that.
As to the issue at hand: if you've molded this stranger into a
shape in which a condom would be a question or even a possibility, he is
now in a state of extreme vulnerability and is in no position to resist
your conditions.
You can tell him: "I'd love to, but not unless you are properly
dressed for the occasion." If he doesn't understand why you're making the
request, you're in danger. Get out. If he does not carry his own condoms,
you can either rethink the whole idea or produce one yourself.
As a standing rule: before he gets it up, bring it up.
DEAR DR. FRANK,
My college roommate is now a Ph.D. -- and he insists on being
addressed as doctor. When I sent him a party invitation last year, he
snidely remarked that I should have addressed it to "Dr. X" rather than
"Mr. X." He's a great guy, totally selfless, but we can't seem to get
past this. I don't care what the etiquette books say about this. What's
important is, I can't understand why it matters so much to him to have
his professional status waved about in irrelevant social situations --
and he can't understand why I simply won't address him the way he wants
to be addressed.
Not a doctor
Dear Not,
People who don't care what the etiquette books say are going to
offend others regularly, and may be forgiven by the long-suffering
selfless as social illiterates, but people who are hell-bent and
determined to offend their most selfless friends are going to end up
being appropriately friendless.
Your friend can call himself whatever he likes, and if you are his
friend, you will accept his stir-appellation. You're reacting as if you
believe he chose his name or even got his degree in order to put you
down. I can only assume your behavior is based on envy, perhaps with an
exaggerated sense of the importance of a doctorate as opposed to the
effort that went into it.
If you see this as a competition, you can always ask people to
address your invitations to Pope or Prince or His Majesty This would not
reveal your envy any more clearly than your refusal to call him doctor.
Envy is universal but extremely unattractive. We all feel it and we all
try to hide it. You're letting it show. Suck it in, congratulate your
friend the doctor, call him whatever he wants to be called, and he may in
time envy your good manners and your humility as much as you now envy his
doctorate.
Do you have a question for Dr. Frank? Please send your letters to
Dr. Frank, Psychology Today, 49 East 21 Street, New York, NY 10010. We
regret that we cannot answer your letters personally.
PHOTO (COLOR): No appetite for infidelity.' If someone's husband
comes on to you, make a fuss and yell for help, says Dr. Frank.
PHOTO (COLOR): Dr. Frank's hard and fast rule of condom etiquette:
bring it up before he gets it up.
Illustrations by Sylvia Street
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