Many men commit their first infidelity at the time of their wife's
first pregnancy This is not because she is unappealing or unavailable but
because she represents and embraces adulthood. He still sees sex as a
sport for kids and fears the new baby will displace him as the child in
the family, requiring him to be grown-up.
I can't imagine what your husband does sexually that he thinks
would be so destructive, and he may see his sexuality as a dangerous
force, but he was also clearly in crisis about the implications and
limitations of fatherhood. Your preoccupation with some fancied
inadequacy in yourself is a distraction from your husband's real crisis
about moving from the role of sexy child to responsible adult. Men don't
have affairs because they have imperfect wives but because they don't
feel they are man enough for this stage of their lives. Stop picking on
yourself; what you do is your fault, what he does is his.
I do worry about men whose imaginations are so limited they can't
even masturbate without outside help. The voices on the telephone were
merely fantasies, helping him overcome the lack of fantasies in his head.
You are now trying to make yourself feel secure by becoming the only
woman in his sexual fantasies. No way! You can't jerk yourself into an
infinite number of shapes, sizes, and attitudes in order to compete with
each woman he can imagine. Settle for being the only woman in his bed
rather than the only one in his brain. You'll put yourself through less
wear and tear and anxiety if you let his mind and even his eyes and his
ears wander the universe as long as his body stays at home.
Sexual fantasies become more important in marital sex as the years
go by. Encourage them. It is nice, but not necessary, if they are shared.
However, it is not a good idea if they are so expensive that you starve
the baby for them.
DEAR DR. FRANK,
My wife's parents and my folks get along fine. In fact, they get
along too well. They often get together without us, despite living 200
miles apart. It bothers me that Thanksgiving and Christmas have become
joint holidays, with both families celebrating together. My wife and I
both like the fact that each family has its own identity and traditions.
We feel this blending robs us of this. Are we being petty?
Enmeshed in-laws
Dear En,
Yes, you're being petty. You don't know how lucky you are; holidays
make many couples feel like the Hatfields and McCoys or the Capulets and
Montagues.
If this is your biggest problem, I'm worried about you. Problems
are good for you; they are character-building and enriching and offer
opportunities for self-awareness and change. Problems and conflicts and
traumas and crises make for the most interesting conversations, and
sharing them makes for the deepest intimacy I do wish you problems to
enliven your lives. You can safely wish for war, famine, pestilence, or
plague, but competition between the in-laws can turn your life into
downtown Sarajevo. Let that one go.
DEAR DR. FRANK,
My sister Anne wants to name her baby after our father if it's a
boy I think she got the idea last year, when it looked like Dad might
have cancer. A lovely tribute, but Dad hates the idea. He claims that
it's pretentious, pointless, and bound to cause confusion. Anne has
refused to change her mind. Now neither of them is talking to the other
-- or changing their mind. Who's wrong here -- and how do I get one of
them to compromise?
Nameless grief
Dear Nameless,
I have known many parents who pouted and even disowned children for
not naming their baby after them. But this is the first time I've heard
of someone who was violently opposed to the honor of having a namesake.
Of course, your father may be a control freak who's just being
contentious for the sake of orneriness. Or perhaps his brush with death
has left him afraid of being replaced in the family or in the universe.
Or perhaps he's afraid that something will be expected of him. Even
really off-the-wall points of view can be understood, and must be, before
they can be safely and politely ignored. However, as Freud once said,
mental illness is no excuse for bad manners.
As a general rule, people get to name their children whatever damn
fool thing they like, and it sure makes more sense to name them after
family members than after movie stars, astrological signs, cartoon
characters, or all the other trendy children being born that year.
If your father doesn't like having a grandson with the same name as
his, perhaps he can change his name. That is within his rights. Grown-ups
don't get to name other people's children, even their children's
children, but they do get to call themselves whatever they like, and it
is rude not to respect that. (Your sister and I, ready to believe the
best about everyone, are assuming that your father is protesting too much
out of sheer humility and will get over it and be delighted once the baby
is born. But even if we credit him with the loveliest of motives, he's
still being rude.)
DEAR DR. FRANK,
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