It would be better for your sister's marriage if your
brother-in-law confessed his extracurricular dalliances personally. Call
him, be indignant, and refuse to join in any conspiracy with him. Before
he has a chance to make any more moves on you, tell him you are going to
tell your sister everything this week. Give him a chance to tell her
first, and give him a copy of this article.
Ideally, he will then tell his wife something along the lines of:
"Honey, when I drink, and sometimes even when I'm sober, I flirt too
seriously and I've gotten into some really ticklish situations. I've even
done it with your sister, who turned me down of course, but it must have
put her in an impossible position and she probably was so protective of
you that she didn't even tell you. It has nothing to do with you or with
my commitment to our marriage. I'm worried about myself and I think I
should quit drinking and go for help. Something has gone horribly wrong
with my gender training and my sense of boundaries. The last thing I want
is to hurt you. Can you ever forgive me?" This approach will probably
work for him, unless of course he has already used it a time or
two.
He is much more likely to take this marriage-saving step if you are
ready to tell your sister and he knows he'd better tell her himself
first.
I have some optimism about the treatment of philanderers like your
brother-in-law, once the veil of secrecy is lifted and they put
themselves in the hands of a nonconspiratorial therapist, one who
believes that monogamy is both possible and desirable, and who also
understands and sympathizes with the awkwardness of men who don't know
how to make interesting conversation at social occasions and resort to
making animal noises and sexual passes instead.
Your sister may already suspect his bad habits and may appreciate
your being direct rather than protective with her, or she might prefer
not to have to deal with it. Either way, his appalling habits will be
known in time -- if he is this inappropriate with you, you can just
imagine what he is like with less dangerous prey. The sooner she knows,
the sooner she can deal with it. She needs you on her side rather than
trying to protect him.
Your brother-in-law has put everybody in a terrible position. What
he is doing is akin to incest. No matter how you deal with it, it is
going to be painful and awkward and leave hard feelings all the way
around. The next time the mate of a friend or relative comes on to you,
cut it off sharply Make a fuss. Yell for help immediately Tell everyone.
Don't make excuses for such behavior. You needn't be polite to such
jerks, even if they are in the family -- temporarily.
DEAR DR. FRANK,
When I married, I kept my maiden name. My husband totally supported
me, but his mother took it as a personal in-suit. She seems to think that
keeping my name means I'm not fully committed to her son, which simply
isn't true. But after two years of marriage, she still won't use my
maiden name when she sends us mail. Either it's "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," or
if she absolutely must have my name on the envelope, as with my birthday
cards, she has my father-in-law address it. My husband has tried to
explain things to her, but she just says that she doesn't understand and
leaves it at that. What can I do?
Ms. Jones and don't you forget it
Dear Ms. Jones,
It is rude of your mother-in-law to call you names you don't want
to be called, but it would be just as rude for you to carry on about it.
People who have given up something as personal as their own name may be
resentful of others who are not willing to make such a sacrifice. You can
sympathize with what she has given up even if you're impatient with her
manners. (I'm impatient with her, too; could Alzheimer's be making her
forget her daughter-in-law's name?)
When people are rude, display extreme politeness; your best manners
will make you look and feel great, and may give them a role model. If
they can't bring themselves to emulate you, they'll at least look and
feel shabby by contrast.
DEAR DR. FRANK,
My husband and I have a five-month-old son. Our sex life was
extraordinary before I became pregnant. But afterwards my husband seemed
to lose interest, saying at first that he was afraid to hurt the fetus,
and then that sex was not the same because he couldn't be as sexually
aggressive due to my pregnancy.
After our baby was born and my doctor gave me the okay for sex, my
husband's interest was still very minimal. Then I discovered his business
phone bill. He'd spent hundreds of dollars having phone sex a couple of
times a week, sometimes several times a day, for about three months.
Naturally, I was devastated because he put his sexual energy into the
telephone and not me. I was especially angry because we barely had enough
money to buy formula and struggled to make ends meet when I was on
leave.
When I confronted him, I discovered he was overwhelmed by our new
lifestyle and this was his way of feeling uninhibited. He promised to
stop and concentrate on us. Now we have great communication and our sex
life has dramatically improved. We are very open-minded in the bedroom so
creativity has never been a problem. But it's five months later and I
still have feelings of "not being enough" for him. Even though he
reassures me of his love and physical attraction to me, I continue to
rate my sexuality with those phone sex personalities.
No more long distance
Dear No More,
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