It's questionable whether being high-powered is all bad. Many
people temper their type A-ness and thrive. Current estimates are that
between 50 and 70 percent of people living in urban environments -- and
only a slightly smaller percentage living in rural areas -- have at least
one type A characteristic. But even if you're not type A when you begin
an intimate relationship, chances are you'll become type A in reaction to
your partner, because relationships organize around the most constant
theme, and few things are as constant as TYABP. In fact, we believe it's
mismanaged TYABP that's silently wreaking havoc on contemporary
relationships. (While there are some relationships that, for a
combination of physiological and lifestyle reasons, revolve around type B
behavior -- and are therefore more relaxed and apt to involve less
struggle -- they are rare.)
What's the number one stressor for type As? Difficulty tolerating
what goes on in relationships. Relationship issues are the one area
high-powered people aren't fully in control of, nor expert in resolving,
in part because their coping style generates tension in relationships.
They're also accustomed to juggling exceptional amounts of stuff, in
effect normalizing abnormal situations, and expect their partners to do
the same. But type As' propensity for doing and thinking many things
simultaneously consistently disconnects them from people.
In addition, as type As' relationships develop and evolve, they
start to feel as if they're being negatively evaluated. Amidst the stress
of being "judged," they're likely to use their fail-safe survival
strategy, TYABP, so a circular pattern develops: The more they feel
evaluated, the more anxious and type A they become, alienating people and
not getting what they want. In long-term relationships, this severs
intimate connections.
Intimacy is generally an awkward area for hard-driving,
competitive, time-urgent people, as they tend not to delve into realms in
which they don't feel competent. But avoiding intimate situations makes
them less likely to have experiences that promote confidence and mastery.
Consequently, high-powered people who otherwise take control and generate
successful outcomes frequently feel and act inept in their personal
lives.
In their struggle to gain or maintain control, they organize and
dictate, losing awareness of their reactions and the effect they're
having on others. Eventually, they may kill the comfortableness and
closeness of their relationships and drift into "vital exhaustion," a
strange form of passivity that's accompanied by feelings of hopelessness
and helplessness. They become semi-functional, operating separately from
spouses and families. This is why so many relationships flounder between
years three and five, and why many couples settle for living
semi-miserably ever after. Rather than developing new skills or learning
to monitor how their TYABP affects others, high-powered people
withdraw.
Other consequences of TYABP on relationships are obvious. If you're
stuck being in a hurry, you're not likely to slow down enough to connect
with others. If you always feel you have to be in control to make things
most efficient, you're apt to be a person in whom loved ones stop
disclosing, because you give lectures rather than a listening ear. If
your haste makes you competitive -- you respond to people telling you
things by one-upping them -- people may stop confiding because they're
afraid of being put down. If you do more than one thing at a time, you're
not going to have good communication. If you're always impatient, you
increase others' stress levels. If you're a perfectionist, you may
criticize rather than nurture.
The way high-powered people survive fuels a second barrier to
long-term intimacy in marriage, "relationship narcissism." The majority
of people living complex lives become "mature narcissists," that is,
preoccupied with their own anxieties, stresses, needs, and wants. But the
things they do to cope -- work excessively, grapple with intimate
relationships, disregard their health, become susceptible to substance
abuse and depression -- produce a fragile sense of self. Such
self-focused coping leads to relationship narcissism. A frequent failure
to see the repercussions on their partner, or a lack of time to deal with
them, results in a relationship that can easily shatter.
Flavors of High-Powered Relationships
Over the years, we've heard hundreds of descriptions of type A
behavior from the true authorities on the subject: the spouses of
high-powered people. One man said, "My wife is the most confident-acting
insecure person I have ever known." A secret of many high-powered people
is that they're driven by insecurity. They may appear powerful, but they
are uncertain whether their worth is based on what they do or who they
are.
While every couple is unique in their coping styles, strengths, and
weaknesses, we've noted seven distinct relationship patterns that revolve
around TYABP. They differ in the way TYABP is expressed and whether it's
present in both partners. The following aren't mutually exclusive, nor do
they encompass every possibility. However, we've found these patterns
useful for those looking to better understand what's going on in their
relationship.
The Good Mother/Bad Boy Type A
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type A behavior,
type B,
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