Though many a couple might benefit from marital therapy, many men
would rather have their fingernails pulled out than visit their local
marital therapist.
This isn't surprising when you consider that therapy demands
emotional vulnerability, not to mention admitting that you can't solve
every problem by yourself. "Each of these requirements conflicts with the
culture of masculinity in fundamental ways," notes Harvard psychologist
Ronald Levant, Ed.D.
Men, after all, are socialized to repress feelings of hurt, shame,
or caring. Push a young boy into the playground dirt and "he knows it's
his job to come back with a fistful of gravel rather than a face full of
tears," says Levant, author of Masculinity Reconstructed (Dutton).
But while some of the traditional male aversion to therapy may be
breaking down, guys are still more likely than women to resist seeking
outside help. Below, some tips on how to help get a guy through the
counselor's door:
o Ask him for a one-time visit. That can seem less imposing than
signing on for an endless series of sessions--and may be enough to soothe
his fears. Once he learns how therapy works, he may be more willing to
make regular visits.
o Explain how therapy gives him the chance to tell his side. When a
couple has problems, their therapist needs the whole picture to suggest
an effective solution. "I don't want to hear just one side of it, because
partners have different perspectives," says Carolynn Maltas, Ph.D.,
codirector of Harvard's McLean Institute for Couples and Families.
o Understand that a man's reluctance to express emotion, whether at
home or in the therapist's office, doesn't make him defective. Says
Maltas: "It's easier to overcome if it's not demonized."
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