Introducing a new department, in which our far-flung faculty
bringsmultiple perspectives to issues of everyday life. Herewith, their
assembled wisdom on keeping love alive.
BABALAWO PHILIP JOHN NEIMARK
Love comes from values, not pheromones! Earth-based cultures built
relationships on the bedrock of shared values. They didn't sweep
long-term goals under the bed simply because they were eager to jump into
it.
If what you seek is lasting love, get back to genuine values. Grow
a flower before a child, smell a puppy's breath instead of the latest
perfume, walk barefoot through the morning dew instead of trying on the
latest aerobic sneaker. Then, settle for nothing less than another who
feels the same.
LYNNE GOLD-BIKIN, J.D.
* Know your needs and share them. Closeness cannot occur without
honesty
* Listen to your partner with empathy and without judgment.
* Praise your partner. Love cannot survive in an atmosphere of
constant criticism.
* Share responsibilities. Taking out the trash does not require a Y
chromosome.
* No relationship is perfect all the time. Working together through
the hard times will make the relationship stronger.
FRANK FARLEY, PH.D.
A key, often overlooked ingredient in love is risk taking, the
willingness to risk opening your deepest emotional life to another
person. Stultifying, loveless marriages of people afraid to reveal their
deepest feelings scar society's emotional landscape like burned-out
buildings.
The recipe for successful love also requires giving--and forgiving.
If you can't be generous in all flyings and forgive when your loved one
transgresses some role you believe in, you won't experience lasting love.
Finally, know as much about yourself and your loved one as possible so
that you are better able to share life's challenges. Marriages between
people with similar personalities and interests are more likely to last.
Opposites attract, but don't count on them staying together.
STEPHANIE COONTZ, PH.D.
The fragility of love today stems from societal dilemmas, not
simply from individual hang-ups. The idea that all of our sensual,
intimate, and altruistic attachments must go toward a single member of
the opposite sex is a 20th-century invention. In the 1950s, marital
therapists, real estate agents, advertisers, sociologists, and
scriptwriters urged us to cut ties with kin and neighbors who might
compete with lovers for our attention, loyalty, and obligation. The
result: For many, love has become an all-or-nothing proposition. We
expect to fulfill all of our needs and responsibilities through love--so
we often lose it when it fails to meet those expectations.
THE REV. CECIL WILLIAMS
To have love, you must have self-definition. If you cannot relate
to yourself, you're unable to relate to others. If you have no self-love,
you have no love to give. Once you acquire love, maintaining it is the
big challenge. lt's important to know that we never fully have it--it's
always something to aspire to, to work toward. We can't take love for
granted.
DIANE SOLLEE, M.S.W.
If you've found your true love, rush to the nearest course on
"making relationships work." These courses were developed by marital
therapists who know we've spent a great deal of energy selecting our
partners--and probably made a pretty decent match. We don't want to
battle over alimony We just don't know what to do to keep the
relationship going.
Take a refresher course once a year until you're sure you've
mastered the operating instructions. Nothing's more romantic than walking
into a relationship course hand-in-hand with your partner.
Babalawo Philip John Neimark, High Palest of Ifa, is author of The
Sacred Ira Oracle.
Lynne Gold-Bilkin, J.D., is chairwoman of the American Bar
Association Family Law Section.
Frank Farley, Ph.D., is professor of psychology at Temple
University.
Stephanie Coontz, Ph.D., a family historian at Evergreen State
College, is author of The Way We Never Were.)
The Rev. Cecil Williams is pastor at Glide Memorial Church in San
Francisco.
Diane Sollee, M.S.W., is director of the Center for Family and
Couples Education, in Washington, D.C.
ILLUSTRATION
Tags:
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bikin,
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emotional landscape,
emotional life,
everyday life,
frank farley,
genuine values,
love,
loveless,
morning dew,
philip john,
scar,
share responsibilities,
shared values,
sneaker,
taking out the trash,
term goals,
willingness,
y chromosome
