Ask Dr. Frank

Offers advice for perceived personality disorders. Temperament over traffic jam; Man's apprehension over actual sexual contact with females.

By Dr. Frank, published on November 01, 1995

dear Dr. Frank,

I need help from you and your readers. After years of trying to "put the brakes" on my aggressive driving and explosive temper, I still become flustered and extremely agitated when trapped in a pack of cars or held up by slow or inconsiderate drivers. If at these times I succeed at not cursing, honking my horn, or speeding around others, I often implode inside and feel like I'm having a heart attack. Over the years I have tried everything: eight years of therapy, an anger management class, relaxation tapes, meditation, exercise, distraction techniques like playing the harmonica, and a million self-help books. Is there any hope for a reactive, aggressive Neanderthal like me?

-- Mad as Hell but Not Wanting to Do It Anymore!!!

Dear Maddy,

You have been misinformed about a couple of things. First, unexpressed anger will not kill you, but expressed anger in traffic might get you shot. Contrary to some self-help ideas of the Sixties, you will not achieve mental health by storming around blowing up whenever you don't get your way. You won't achieve social acceptability either.

Second, the traffic is not doing this to bother you. It is just as hard on the rest of us as it is on you, and we are all trying to tolerate it as well as we can, knowing that the social agreement that makes civilization possible requires us to treat others as if their feelings matter too. You are not the center of the universe; you are not even the only person in the traffic. You ask us for help, but don't you realize that we are the other drivers who are stuck in the same traffic?

I don't know where you got the idea that you personally were supposed to make the rest of the world behave properly, but you were misinformed about that, too. If the rest of us get together and choose a block captain to keep us in line, we will pick someone better tempered than you.

Continue your exercise, meditation, and harmonica. Lay off caffeine. Go to work earlier and come home later, so you'll have to share the road with fewer drivers. Civilize yourself by putting Mozart or Haydn on your car tape deck. But above all, keep thinking about how all of us other drivers are feeling. We feel what you feel and we really do sympathize with you. But we'd be more sympathetic to you if you were sympathetic to us.

Dear Dr. Frank,

I am 43 and have masturbated every day for the past 29 years. Over this time many attractive young women have offered me their services with no strings attached. But this triggers great fear in me. Why?

I have always had the desire to have great sex, but I've never been willing to risk it. Could there be something wrong in my thinking?

-- Nonesuch

Dear None,

Yes, you have too much imagination and too little spirit of adventure. There's nothing wrong in masturbating. We've all masturbated since puberty, no matter what else we've done with our sexuality, but you got stuck there.

You suffer from vagina-phobia -- the fear of letting go of your penis and giving it over to someone else. Unless we began our heterosexual careers in a burst of postpubertal bravado, every one of us was frightened the first time, though most of us can't remember exactly what we feared. Whatever it was, it didn't happen, and it won't happen to you, either. One thing that does often happen the first time is that your pecker feels your fear and shrinks up rather than rising to the occasion. Hang in there and in time you will both get comfortable. And don't be concerned about having great sex; that will come later.

Just settle for letting a friendly woman play with your favorite toy. Don't worry, she'll give it back. Expect to be anxious at first, but you'll relax with it in time.

One last suggestion: You might be more sexually available to others if you gave yourself a little rest. Remember the old adage: "Don't have sex in the morning; you never know who you'll meet later in the day."

ILLUSTRATION