Dear Dr. Frank,
My husband and I have a very solid, equal relationship. I love him
and want our marriage to work. However, my husband enjoys "swinging." I
do not condone this behavior but I have succumbed to his request because
I want our relationship to work. Is there anything I can do that might
dissuade him from this behavior?. I have told him that I abhor it, but he
claims he needs it to keep "spice" in our relationship. He claims that
without it we can't have a relationship and I feel the opposite.
I'm confused and distressed. Except for this one thing, we have the
potential for a lasting relationship. Can he really love me and continue
with this behavior?
--Swung Out
Dear Swung Out,
No. He can certainly want to swing, but it is not loving for him to
actually do it and expose you to the degradation and viruses of such an
adolescent activity.
Swinging is an interesting fantasy. It does not lead to
particularly good sex and it certainly doesn't make sex special. Instead,
it is a way of depersonalizing sex and de-romanticizing it by making
partners interchangeable. The people who do it over their mates's
objections are not ready for monogamy. In fact they do it to protect
themselves from the commitment of monogamy.
If you both like it, be my guests. But if you don't like it and
still go along with it, you will be angry with him for his infidelity and
for coercing you into situations that be-little you so completely.
Don't blame him for "forcing" you into it, just don't do it
anymore. And don't try staying married to a man who isn't grown up enough
for monogamy. A swinging marriage is unstable and unhealthy.
And don't take his swinging personally. People who can't have
sexual fantasies without having to act them out aren't lacking in love,
just imagination.
Dear Dr. Frank,
I'm a college student--a psychology major, in fact--and have been
in extensive therapy in the past for alcoholism, both mine and my
mother's. Now I'm seeing a student-therapist for my compulsive
overeating. My therapist wants to bring up the past. I understand that
she needs to know my background, but I've worked through most of that
stuff in earlier treatment.
It seems condescending for her to presume that she will ever know
what's really going on with me. I'm not an idiot because I eat too much.
I've met psychotherapists that are twice my size.
Something disturbing happened on the way out of my last session
with her. She asked me to let her know if there's anything we can do to
make our sessions better. I said, "You're doing great." She said, "I
don't need your affirmations [smile], but thank you."
I felt discounted as a human being. It really made me feel that she
didn't think very much of me. In truth, there are times that it's
painfully obvious that she is still a student.
I've worked far too hard for the self-respect and integrity I have
to play the sick little victim today. Do therapist and client have to
have a parent-child relationship? I would be willing to bet that this
woman has just as many problems as I do.
Perhaps it's ego on my part. Maybe I need a behavioral approach to
my eating problem instead of a psychoanalytic one. Or I might be in
denial . . . I don't know. But I do know that I'm scared. Tell me, Dr.
Frank, whose problem is this, mine or hers?
--Psycho Psychology Student
Dear Psyche,
When a professional patient and an amateur therapist get together,
both are afraid of being exposed. Of course she needs your affirmation,
and of course you need hers. The therapy will go better when you both can
acknowledge that. You're the pro here, so you may have to bring it up
first.
Therapy is scary, especially when you are ashamed of your problems.
I know that you're conflicted. You're not sure you want her to know
"what's really going on" with you, past and present. And you are afraid
of a parent-child dependency. Your therapist shotfid treat you like a
grown-up, rather than like a child. You must warn her not to shame you
about your compulsions or about your fears of dependency. Of course you
feel foolish for eating or drinking destructively when the solution to
these problems seems obvious, but isn't.
But it's your therapy, not hers. You're supposed to be figuring out
what you're doing wrong, how you can do things differently. Instead
you're worrying about your therapist's skills. You know what you must do
and have decided you're not going to do it until she makes you more
comfortable. Resistance to change is fertile ground for therapy, and may
be helpful for the therapist too. I've learned most of what I know from
patients like yourself who are so generous they want to fix me before
they change themselves.
Research shows that the success of therapy has little to do with
the expertise of the therapist, but a great deal to do with her values
and the respect she shows her clients. Therapy also goes better when the
client shows respect for the therapist. So tell her how she makes you
feel.
Your therapist is scared and is humbling through the best she can,
as we all are and as you will be, too, when you are in her chair. You
don't have to be perfect to be a good therapist or a good client, but in
either role it helps to be honest and vulnerable. Your therapist is
lucky. You must he fun to treat, and she'll learn a lot. But I hope you
won't neglect yourself too much while you try to fix her.
Dear Dr. Frank,
