"After two frustrating years, I felt like I had to move to work. I
really like my job here, but now everyone acts like I was the one who
abandoned him. My family and his are constantly telling me how sad it is
that he has to live in that big beautiful house by himself. They forget
that I moved eight times all over the country for his work, and now I am
the one who feels guilty because of the commuter marriage. He won't move
for me, and I couldn't wait any longer."
Resist the temptation to attribute this woman's experience to
personality--hers or his. The very existence of the relocation gap and
the societal consequences for those who bridge it are rooted in American
culture, not individual psychology. In fact, the male trailing spouse is
bound to be left dangling as a cultural anomaly until social mores change
in boardrooms and living rooms alike.
Once companies begin to dole out promotions, raises, and
relocations with a blind eye to gender, then more couples will at least
be forced to test whether their beliefs in equality translate to real
decision-making power in their marriage. Either way, a battle will ensue:
first an internal war with culturally prescribed roles, then an external
dash with those who strike against people who break the rules. It will no
doubt be a painful process that will get easier only as more couples take
the challenge.
Nevertheless, the relocation gap will likely taunt a generation or
two until enough wives are even given a chance to stand on its
precipice.
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