Distressed about your self-image? Of course, no one wants to make
you feel worse, but have you ever considered the possibility that your
very own behavior might--just might--be causing you to have a low opinion
of yourself?
Twenty years ago, when I first became a doctor, no one ever
complained of a lack of self-esteem, or of hating him- or herself. Now
scarcely a week goes by without a patient making just such a complaint
and presenting it to me as if it were my job to rectify matters. And
whenever anyone says to me, "I don't like myself, doctor," my heart sinks
and I feel an urge to reply, "Well, that makes two of us." Of course, I
say nothing of the kind. Instead I offer bland reassurances that I
scarcely recognize as my own as they leave my mouth.
Last week a young man came to me in distress about his self-image.
His mother agreed that he had a low opinion of himself. It was this low
opinion, the pair of them said, that had led him to beat up his
girlfriend, who was pregnant at the time and subsequently had a
miscarriage.
"It couldn't be the other way around, could it?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" the young man asked me.
"That your behavior caused you to have a poor opinion of
yourself?"
This possibility was firmly rejected. The idea that low self-esteem
could ever be justified was too revolutionary to be entertained, even for
a moment.
Does recognition of the need for self-esteem represent a true
advance in human understanding, or is it, on the contrary, evidence of a
widespread and shallow narcissism? Is it an explanation of our failings
or an excuse for them?
People who complain of low self-esteem often do so in the same way
that people who fear they are suffering from Alzheimer's disease complain
of a failing memory. A faculty of mind is alleged not to be functioning
properly. And just as a working memory is a precondition of most human
activities, so is self-esteem deemed to be necessary. For without it, the
will is paralyzed, and one cannot make the most of one's
abilities.
But is a lack of self-esteem, either congenital or acquired, a
deficit like memory loss, to be cured, if possible, by doctors and
psychologists, by pills and psychotherapy? I am not referring to the
temporary loss of self-esteem that occurs in severe forms of depression,
in which a person of usually blameless conduct expresses unrealistic
feelings of guilt and unworthiness. I mean the lack of self-esteem that
is permanent and is allegedly responsible for all manner of ills.
A lack of self-esteem is not necessarily pathological, nor is its
presence necessarily desirable. Indeed, when self-esteem is not
accompanied by any accomplishment or personal quality, it is a serious
failing. I recall a 24-year-old prisoner who told me with great pride
that he was the father of nine children by six women, not one of whom did
he help in any way whatsoever, financial or emotional. His prowess in
procreation was the source, or one of the sources, of his evident
self-satisfaction; and he said that he intended, as soon as he was able,
to demonstrate his prowess once more, regardless of the consequences to
others. His self-esteem would be boosted accordingly.
It might be said, of course, that his apparent self-esteem was only
a mask for a deeper-seated lack of it; in psychology, much is the
opposite of what it seems.
Thus, his macho swagger and his boastfulness were, in fact, a
psychological defense mechanism against profound uncertainty and
insecurity. After all, the fathering of so many children at so young an
age is not much of an achievement when viewed in any light but that of
disappointed self-love.
But if excessive self-confidence and self-esteem are to be taken to
indicate their opposite at a deeper level, are we also to take
expressions of a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem as evidence of a
deep-seated megalomania and self importance? Some biographers of famous
men think so. Charles Darwin's modesty, diffidence, and social
reclusiveness, for example, are now thought by many to have been a clever
disguise for his almost psychopathic ruthlessness and determination to
succeed. His painfully elaborate politeness was the means by which he
exploited others and put them off their guard.
Certainly it requires a degree of self-importance even to complain
of a lack of self-esteem. It is not a complaint one is likely to hear
among Zairean goatherds, for example. And those people who do complain of
it are often seeking reassurance that, despite their failures, which as
often as not are brought about by their unwise conduct, they remain
worthwhile people.
The idea that everyone should have self-esteem in the same way that
everyone should be able to repeat a seven-digit number, or should know
the time of day and date, is a corollary of the psychological doctrine of
the Real Me.
Now the Real Me has very little connection with the merely Apparent
Me--the me that loses its temper, exceeds the speed limit, gets drunk,
has affairs, makes a mess of work, can't express itself properly, is
never grateful, and generally behaves in a less than optimum fashion.
This is only the Apparent Me, a less real and substantial being
altogether than the Real Me. Unfortunately, people insist on judging by
the Apparent Me.
