Dear Dr. Frank,
I need to know what to do about premature ejaculation. Please
hurry!
--On the Go
Dear Go,
Premature for whom? People used to "pet"--which is really just a
form of what sex therapists call sensate focusing--in cars, and it was
great. Then they would marry and screw and it was awful: quick and dirty
for the guy, high and dry for the gal. In their frustration, they called
one another names like "frigid" and "premature ejaculator."
In recent decades we have thrown back the sheets and brought sex
out into the glaring light. We have established women's equal rights to
orgasms. But we soon declared it to be potentially rude, sexist, and
politically incorrect for men to ejaculate--men of conscience stopped
doing so without feeling shame and a sense of sexual inferiority.
Men who are tempted to have orgasms have been urged to watch
baseball during sex and think about batting averages. Sex experts like
Masters and Johnson, James Semans, and Helen Singer Kaplan touted
techniques for making intercourse so uncomfortable or even painful that
men would lose their ability to ejaculate until the woman granted
permission.
We have not yet figured out scientifically, legally, or socially
just how long sexual intercourse should last (ejaculations that occur
prior to insertion are premature only if the sex stops then). But we have
certainly learned that sex is about the workings of two bodies and two
minds, not just one scared, hard-working little penis.
Modern sex experts like David Schnarch encourage couples to screw
less and make love more, to stop making such a big thing over such a
little thing as a penis. The penis may be the point man but he isn't the
whole team. The basic skill of sex is masturbation, not screwing.
Dr. Joycelyn Elders understood: We need to teach people to
masturbate better--slowly, grandly, proudly--learning all there is to
know about their genitals and the rest of their totally erogenous bodies.
In time they must teach someone else to touch them in the right places,
in the right way, for the right time for their stage of arousal. Nothing
improves a couple's sex life more than giving up screwing altogether
until they know themselves and one another so intimately that they can
play one another's body like an organ, with hand pedals, foot pedals,
mouth pedals, and all the stops.
So if you want to get good at sex, put away the stopwatch, baseball
cards, and pincers; just stay home and beat off--make an evening of
it.
Dear Dr. Frank,
I want your opinion on this letter I wrote to my boyfriend. We
started going out a year and a half ago, are presently living together,
and are talking about marriage. This is the first time either of us has
lived with someone.
We are both 25. My problem is that I know we are not ready for this
major step in our lives. I don't know how he feels about anything; we
just can't talk to each other, and when we do, we end up not talking at
all. I don't know how we got this far. If I try to talk to him, he gets
so defensive and won't admit that whatever problem I want to talk about
even exists.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not the kind of person who
needs to discuss everything to the hilt. I keep most things to myself,
but when I do speak out, he cuts me off, puts up a wall, and leaves me
out. This makes me so depressed it literally drains all the life out of
me. I sometimes feel the only solution is to just end it, but I feel
guilty because he is a good person, and I feel like I am giving up
without giving him a chance.
Do you think this letter expresses my feeling that if we do not get
help, we are going to self-destruct? If he still does not believe we have
a problem, should I just deal with my guilt and get out before we scar
each other with all the hurt? He doesn't lie, cheat, or beat me, but we
don't share anything either. We pretty much live separate lives, and I
think a relationship should be more than that. I am just so utterly
confused.
Here's the letter:
"D.,
I don't want to bore you with my thoughts and feelings so I am
going to make this straight to the point. We have a problem that goes
much deeper than either one of us being stubborn. It is not all you, and
it's not all me. I won't play the psych major and pretend I know what's
wrong with us or act like I know what to do to fix it. I can't say what
it is, I only know it's there, and it's not going to go away by itself.
We can let things go on like they are, but I honestly believe the tension
is unhealthy for both of us.
I believe we really care about each other or we never would have
lasted this long with so many things between us. I believe that we do
want to be together. I think we should talk to someone else. We have a
lot of plans for our lives together, but I don't think we will just go on
happily ever after by ourselves. There is a wall between us and I know
part of it is my inability to communicate with you. If we talk to a
professional, maybe we can get through that, and anything else coming
be-tween us. I think we should invest some time and money into our
relationship. It is worth it.
Love,
S."
Dear S.,
Tags:
advice,
basic skill,
batting averages,
dr frank,
ejaculations,
helen singer kaplan,
inferiority,
insertion,
joycelyn elders,
masters and johnson,
modern sex,
orgasms,
sex experts,
sex therapists
