dear Dr. Frank,
My 18-year-old son lives at home. Since he never liked school and
has a police record, it's hard for him to get a job. He has taken to
selling drugs and has to deal with some unsavory people. The other night
he brought home an assault weapon. His father, my ex-husband Spike,
thinks a young man needs to carry protection, but I don't trust Spike's
opinion because he is so childish and irresponsible. Besides, Spike used
to get abusive with Buzzy when trying to make him go to school. My
current husband, Marvin, is uncomfortable letting Buzzy keep the gun. He
says it is dangerous and illegal. But I think he's always resented Buzzy;
I don't trust his opinion either.
A few days ago, Marvin tried to kick Buzzy out but Spike refused to
take him, so Marvin moved out. He won't come home until the machine gun
is out of the house. Buzzy threatens to run away if I take his machine
gun away from him. But I know he can't take care of himself on his
own.
Buzzy is in trouble. Someone is out to get him. He needs a father,
but my husbands (I've had four) have never really understood Buzzy like I
do, They get so strict and abusive, I have to set things straight. I've
long tried to get him to a therapist, but he refuses to go. What can I do
for the safety of my son?
--Frantic Mother
Dear Fran,
You are probably right that no one else sees Buzzy the way you do.
I am impressed with the wisdom of Spike and Marvin, who refuse to live
with this armed menace as long as you protect him from reality.
Your ex-husband may well be more interested in undercutting you
than in turning his son into a competent adult, and your current husband
may well be ready to get the kid out of his life. But the triangle in
which one parent is seen as the rejecting or abusive overpunisher and the
other as the benevolent rescuer is guaranteed to mess up a kid and more
than likely to create a criminal.
Stepfathers are walking through a mined field when single mothers
bring them into the family to straighten out rebellious kids, especially
when the rebellion is being cheered on by angry absent fathers. No matter
how often you change husbands, you and your son will entrap the poor guy
in the same triangle, in which your function in life is to protect Buzzy
from the men who might hurt his feelings in their efforts to protect you
and the world from him. All Buzzy has to do is irritate your husband of
the moment and he can get by with doing whatever he pleases. You've made
a monster.
You could get together with both of the guys and all three of you
agree to rules and regulations. It does not matter whether you are being
strict or lenient; it only matters whether you really mean what you say.
Consequences needn't be severe, just predictable. Don't try to do this at
home; you'll need a family therapist to keep you from turning it into one
more triangulation.
If the three of you can't agree on anything, turn the job over to
somebody who neither loves nor hates your son. Might I suggest the
nearest police officer? The cops don't care how Buzzy feels; they just
care what he does. And they might put him someplace safe where he won't
need a machine gun for protection.
Dear Dr. Frank,
My fiance Seth presented me with a 30-page prenuptial agreement. He
wants me to agree to cook a certain number of meals each week, to clean
the house to certain specifications, and even to have sex with him a
specific number of times each week. I'd have to pay a fine if I didn't do
what was spelled out, or if I showed anger, talked on the phone to my
room too long, or gained weight.
Seth couldn't understand why I was upset. He said that this would
be the operating manual for the perfect marriage, one without
disagreements because everything was spelled out ahead of time--so we
wouldn't get a divorce like his parents did.
Seth pays attention to me and is always even tempered. Yet this
agreement shows him as picky, and panicky about marriage. Does this mean
he doesn't love me?
---Prenuptial Jitterer
Dear Jit,
You should worry.
Your would-be-groom is anxious about commitment, and that is good.
Anyone in his or her right mind distrusts the permanence of marriage in a
divorce-happy world where even the therapists regard divorce as the
appropriate treatment for depression and boredom.
Seth is picky about the details of living, and that also is good.
At least he is thinking about such matters and trying to figure out how
the two of you might handle them. I don't know why in the world you doubt
he is in love with you. He seems willing to marry you even when the whole
idea scares him into an obsessive-compulsive dither.
But you should reconsider marrying Seth because he is afraid of
conflict, and conflict is the business of marriage. It is impossible for
a couple to get through a lifetime, or even a day, without having
different ideas about various things, and the life of the marriage is in
the respectful comparison of the differing points of view and emotional
reactions. If everything were set-tied ahead of time, the marriage would
offer no adventure or emotional exercise.
Unlike most people who want prenups, Seth seems intent on staying
married. He's just afraid to be married.
Tags:
advice,
assault weapon,
buzzy,
competent adult,
dr frank,
few days,
frantic mother,
machine gun,
marvin,
police record,
rescuer,
selling drugs,
Spike,
triangle,
young man
