Love's Labors
We all have theories about what makes a successful relationship
tick--romance, communication, what have you. But those theories are more
than mere musings: they influence how--and how hard--we fall in
love.
The evidence comes courtesy of a trio of New Zealand psychologists.
They assessed how important passion and intimacy were to subjects in
long-term relationships, and then asked them whether a series of
adjectives applied to their current relationship.
Response speed, it turned out, depended on whether a given
adjective was related to the subject's relationship theory. For example,
when subjects who believed strongly in passion decided whether terms
irrelevant to passion, like unique or organized, accurately described
their relationship, they took longer to answer when simultaneously
engaged in another mental task, like memorizing a six-digit number, that
also demanded some thought.
But when presented with passion-related adjectives like fun or
affectionate, they answered just as quickly when burdened with the memory
task.
The reason, according to University of Canterbury psychologist
Garth J. O. Fletcher, Ph.D., and his colleagues, is that people with
strong relationship beliefs are particularly attuned to whether their own
relationships reflect these ideals. If passion is important to you, no
matter what else is happening, you're more likely to notice how often you
and your partner share candlelight dinners or how exciting your sex life
is.
You'll take less note, however, of issues such as whether household
chores are delegated evenly. You need to search your memory to decide
whether, say, the word cooperation accurately describes your
relationship.
When it comes to relationship satisfaction, the researchers found,
it doesn't matter whether you think passion, intimacy, or some other
factor is the secret to success. What's important is how closely your
relationship mirrors whatever beliefs you bring to it. So a romantic
dinner date that knocks you head over heels in love might not even
quicken the pulse of someone with a less passionate view of
relationships.
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