Family therapist Frank Pittman, M.D., imparts his wit and wisdom on
bodytattooing, how much substance abuse a relationship can tolerate,
self-defeating behavior, and the need for less mental health and more
manners.
DEAR DR. FRANK: BODY TATTOOING IS APPARENTLY A FAD ONCE AGAIN. TWO
NEW TATTOO PARLORS OPENED RECENTLY HERE IN BUFFALO. LATELY, THOUGH,
TATTOOING IS BEING PITCHED AS THE COOL THING FOR EVERYONE, EVEN SMALL
CHILDREN. YOU CAN GET TATTOOS AS PRIZES IN CRACKER JACK BOXES. THERE ARE
CHILDREN'S DOLLS THAT CAN BE TATTOOED. I EVEN SAW A TEMPORARY TATTOO
MACHINE IN THE LOBBY OF A MOVIE THEATER.
I DON'T GET IT. WHAT DOES THIS SELF-MUTILATION FAD SAY ABOUT THE
DIRECTION OUR SOCIETY IS MOVING IN?
--BUFFALOED BY THE TATTOO CRAZE
Dear Buffaloed: I don't share your alarm about tattoos. While they
are definitely tacky, they do a lot less harm than most things people do
to call attention to themselves and announce their individuality.
Tattooing, like body piercing, dyeing your hair unnatural colors, and
wearing clothes your mother couldn't possibly have bought you, is an
adolescent exercise in declaring you are your own person and your body
belongs to you.
In Africa and other cultures, body mutilation marks each person as
a member of the group, rather than enabling him or her to stand out as an
individual. Perhaps sailors and prisoners are declaring the same group
solidarity. Irving Berlin even wrote a song about it, "A Sailor's Not a
Sailor 'Til a Sailor's Been Tattooed." Former seamen like Sean Connery
and Britain's King George V got naval tattoos. Former Secretary of State
George Schultz has an even fiercer one--a tiger on his butt.
Tattooing used to be a male rite of passage, proving a man's
willingness to undergo pain to become his own man, and perhaps announcing
a greater allegiance to masculinity than to social acceptability. Lately,
women who are into white-trash chic are getting tattooed so that they,
too, can look independent, defiant, and out of anyone's control.
Children want them for the same reasons. But I'm not worried:
Nothing will make tattoos for adolescents less trendy than making them
available for children. I would worry if the children were getting
permanent ones. Their tastes, we hope, will change.
I've been wanting a tattoo for years, but my wife won't let me.
Anyway, I haven't been able to decide what I could live with permanently.
Perhaps I could have a banjo tattooed on my knee (I come from Alabama).
Some people are more decisive than I: Cher has a dragon on her arm and
Nicholas Cage a dragon on his back, while Roseanne must live with Tom
Arnold forever on her breast.
The body-piercing craze among adolescents is similar, more
grotesque, but less permanent. I'm seeing one sweet, gentle, 18-year-old
boy who has metal stuck through his ears, nostrils, nipples, and tongue.
He clicks when he talks and he can't eat enough to keep his weight up,
but he finally feels stylish. He thinks of getting rings installed in his
eyelids and his foreskin--that might keep him from either seeing or
screwing, but it would definitely establish him as his own person. At
least the body rings are temporary, but if he got a tiger tattooed on his
butt, it would follow him forever.
Dear Dr. Frank: What can I do with my man, who is a drug abuser,
using uppers, downers, painkillers, cocaine, and even heroin? When he
doesn't have enough money for the stuff, he drinks so much that he is
dangerous. He is going to kill me in one way or another.
I've talked to all the therapists here in Helsinki, but nothing
changes. He needs to be locked up in a mental hospital for a long time.
I'm sick and tired of using up my money and my father's, too.
--Sick and Tired in Helsinki
Dear Sick and Tired: As we mental health professionals have
explored new territories, we have foolhardily declared ourselves
responsible for people with bad habits, like your man. We believed that
we could put people into expensive hospitals, love them tender, and
change their behavior. The statistics on our efforts, however, aren't
very impressive. Certainly, putting drunks away for weeks or months works
no better than locking them up until the D.T.s are over. But while we
professionals can't control someone's bad habits any better than you can,
what we can do, is clear up any misunderstanding about who is and who is
not responsible for what he does. When you take it upon yourself to
rescue him, you garble that message.
If he tries--or even threatens--to kill you, turn him in to the
police. Once you realize he is bad rather than sick, it will all begin to
make sense to you.
If you read me at all, you know I'm a strong believer in the
character-building benefits of doing the honorable thing, of hanging in
there and making the best of bad situations. Divorce inflicts great pain
on everyone for generations. It is not a state to be entered into
lightly. But there are limits to what a relationship can tolerate, and
alcoholics and drug abusers are beyond the limits. They are not helpless
victims; they are doing it to themselves and they are doing it to you,
and to your father, and to everyone else in their life. When the choices
come down to suicide, homicide, or divorce, choose divorce--not merely a
legal divorce, but an emotional one.
Tags:
advice,
body mutilation,
cracker jack,
family therapist,
frank pittman,
george schultz,
george v,
group solidarity,
irving berlin,
male rite of passage,
own man,
rite of passage,
seamen,
sean connery,
self defeating behavior,
self mutilation,
social acceptability,
tattoo machine,
tattoo parlors,
unnatural colors,
wit and wisdom
