The image of teenagers as menacing and rebellious is a big fiction
that's boomeranging on kids. We've mythologized adolescence to conceal a
startling fact: It is indeed a difficult and turbulent time--for parents.
The trouble is, kids look like adults much sooner than ever before. Kids
wind up feeling abandoned--and angry at the loss of their safety net. If
we haven't got adolescence exactly figured out yet, there's some
consolation in the fact that it's a brand-new phenomenon in human
history.
I recently spent the weekend with a friend's 13-year-old son. In
contrast to the tiny tots most of my friends have, Matthew seemed much
more like an adult. The time spent with him wasn't so much like
baby-sitting; it was like having company. It was impressive to see how
self-sufficient he was. Simple matters struck me: he didn't need someone
to go to the bathroom with him at the movies; he could help himself to
ice cream; he was actually interested in following the O.J. Simpson
story, and we discussed it.
He was polite, thoughtful, and interesting. While the intensive
caretaking necessary for smaller children has its own rewards (I
suppose), Matthew's contrasting autonomy was pleasant to me. And so I
imagined it would be for parents of adolescents. But then, I am not a
parent. And most parents report not feeling pleasant about their
adolescents.
The weekend reminded me of how easy it is to think of these
youngsters as adults. Compared to an eight-year-old, an adolescent is a
lot like an adult. Can't reason like an adult, but doesn't think like a
child anymore, either. Some parents are tempted to cut 'em loose rather
than adjust to the new status of their teenager. Others fail to observe
their adolescent's new adult-like status, and continue monitoring them as
closely as a child. But it's obvious that adolescents aren't miniature
adults. They are individuals on their way to adulthood; their brains and
bodies--to say nothing of their sexuality--stretching uneasily toward
maturity.
Yet the sight of kids reaching for some form of adult status
commonly evokes contempt rather than curiosity. Negative feelings about
teenagers have a strong grip on American culture in general, and on
surprising numbers of parents in particular. It's not uncommon for
parents to anticipate their child's adolescence with fear and
trepidation--even before they've gotten out of diapers. They expect a war
at home.
"It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy that adolescence is seen as
this bizarre, otherworldly period of development, complete with a
battleground set for World War III," says Tina Wagers, Psy. D., a
psychologist who treats teens and their families at Kaiser Permanente
Medical Center in Denver.
We were all once 13, but it seems we can no longer imagine what
kind of parenting a 13-year-old needs. Perhaps it's gotten worse with all
the outside opportunities for trouble kids have--gangs, guns, drugs.
Families used to extend their turf into their children's schools,
friends, and athletic activities. But kids now inhabit unknown territory,
and it is scary for parents. "I think this fear and lack of understanding
makes some parents more likely to back off and neglect teenagers,"
reports Wagers. "There is an expectation that you can't influence them
anyhow."
This skeptical, sometimes hostile view of teens, however, was
countered by my experience with Matthew. I found him hardly a "teenager
from hell." Like most teens, Matthew prefers to be with his own friends
more than with family or other grown-ups. He's not good with time, and
music, basketball, and girls are more central to him than achievement,
responsibility, and family. (Despite his tastes, he does very well in
school.) At home there is more conflict than there has been in the past,
though not less love and commitment to his mom, with whom he lives in
eastern Washington.
The story of Matthew falls in line with new research on
adolescents, and it's causing psychologists to totally revise
conventional wisdom on the subject. According to psychologist Laurence
Steinberg, Ph.D., of Temple University, the majority of adolescents are
not contentious, unpleasant, heartless creatures. They do not hate their
parents--although they do fight with them (but not as much as you might
think). "In scrutinizing interviews with adolescents and their families,
I reaffirmed that adolescence is a relatively peaceful time in the
house." Kids report continued high levels of respect for their parents,
whether single, divorced, or together, and regardless of economic
background.
When fighting does occur, it's in families with younger teenagers,
and it has to do at least in part with their burgeoning cognitive
abilities. Newly able to grasp abstract ideas, they can become absorbed
in pursuing hypocrisy or questioning authority. In time, they learn to
deploy relativistic and critical thinking more selectively.
NOT A DISEASE
If adolescents aren't the incorrigibles we think--then what to make
of the endless stream of news reports of teen sexism, harassment, drug
abuse, depression, delinquency, gangs, guns, and suicide?
Tags:
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o j simpson,
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Puberty,
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simple matters,
startling fact,
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