From 'I do' to 'who?'

What we want from a partner changes between courtship and marriage.

By PT Staff, published on January 01, 1995 - last reviewed on August 30, 2004

In some relationships, flattery may indeed get you nowhere.

That's the lesson from a study that addressed the question: Do we want our significant other to know us -- or to adore us? The answer, according to William B. Swann, Jr., Ph.D., depends on whether we're married. In a dating relationship, Swann says, we want our partner to tell us how wonderful we are -- even if we feel unworthy of the praise. In a study of nearly 200 couples, the University of Texas psychologist found that unmarried twosomes are most intimate when each partner rates the other highly. But once we've tied the knot, compliments take a backseat to self-verification: we want our spouse to see us as we see ourselves. Swann observed that married folks with a negative self-image are more intimate with spouses who evaluate them unfavorably than with partners who lavish them with seemingly undeserved praise. Even those with a positive self-view may psychologically withdraw from a marriage if their mate seems unjustifiably effusive.

Why do we seek praise before marriage and self-verification after? Swann sees courtship as an extended qualifying exam during which we interpret any kind words as increasing our chance of passing. But once we're lawfully wedded, we look to our spouse for perspective on who we are. We feel more "authentic" when our partner sees us as we see ourselves.

There's also a practical advantage to self-verification. A couple is better able to achieve mutual goals when each partner can identify the other's weaknesses and strengths.

The mystery is exactly when this "marriage shift" occurs. Swann and colleagues, reporting in the Journal of Personality Social Psychology (Vol. 66, No. 5), don't discount a gradual change of view. But much might literally occur overnight.

"There's something magical about the process of getting married that's compelling to people," says Swann. "It would be surprising if it didn't have considerable psychological impact." In any event, the researchers advise that people with a negative self-image "might be wise to spice up the courtship process with a pinch of authenticity" in order to minimize any psychological fallout that might result from the marriage shift.