Here are techniques for getting parents to see you as an adult and
treat you with respect. They are guaranteed to work better than whining
childishly or storming adolescently.
1. Tell them about you. Tell them what you like and what you don't
like. You be the expert on you.
2. When your parents try to tell you more about you and your
shortcomings than you really want to hear, ask them about themselves at
your age. Explore them, not you.
3. Thank them for any criticism, and ask them what experiences led
them to their opinions.
4. Ask for their advice before they have a chance to give it. If
they know you are taking it seriously, they may give better, more
sympathetic advice.
5. Explain how much you value their opinion, and be especially
careful to add that it is one you will particularly value as you make
your own decision.
6. Don't hide anything from them. Secrets and lies will make you
ashamed of yourself, and will make them think you are hiding things from
them--like a child.
7. Include them in your social life. Invite them to do a lot of
things with you, whether they like to do such things or not. And accept
their invitations in return.
8. Ask them to tell you family stories. When they tell family
stories about you, give them the necessary information to change your
position in the family myths.
9. Tell them whether you need cheerleading or criticism at the
moment. Remember, they want above all to feel needed and to be a good
parent. Structure them in doing so.
10. Find things they can do for you now and ask them to do such
things. Think of expertise or information you need, and give them ample
opportunity to feel useful.
11. Find things to thank them for, especially memories from the
past. Thank them randomly.
12. Tell them what a terrible child you must have been, and how bad
you feel for having been such a bother to them.
13. Reveal all the things you kept secret from them at the time.
Blow their minds. Actually, it will probably surprise them that you
weren't worse.
14. Call them more often than they need you to. Try to call during
their favorite TV show, so they will be in a hurry to get you off the
phone.
15. Don't criticize them to others, Get into the habit of praising
them to your friends. That won't change them, but it will free you from
your adolescent pout with them.
16. Name your children after them.
17. DO NOT name your pets after them.
18. Take them to movies about parents and children, Mommie Dearest
or The Great Santini are good choices. Then talk about it, taking the
parent's side. Since they've been children longer than they've been
parents, they might just counter by seeing the conflict from the child's
perspective.
19. Try to think of your parents as children and yourself as the
adult. Frame and display baby pictures of them. Refer to them to others
by their first names. If all else fails, lovingly call them by their
first names.
20. Give your parents a copy of this article.
21. Take your parents with you to your therapist and tell the
therapist what wonderful parents they have been. If your parents don't
respond by telling your therapist how wonderful you are, give them
another copy of this article and underline the parts that seem
relevant.
Tags:
adult,
adult children,
advice,
ample opportunity,
child,
family,
invitations,
memories,
parent,
secrets and lies,
shortcomings
