Modernizing marriage

Equality and flexibilitymake better husbands and wives.

By Pepper Schwartz, published on September 01, 1994 - last reviewed on August 30, 2004

In my research, I saw each spouse separately and together. I gave them problems to solve and assigned them discussions, all of which were tape-recorded. The peer couples would argue seriously; they had equal standing to do so. One didn't defer to the other. But in the near peers, many of the men would show off to me, to try to show who was really smart.

ABOUT PEER MEN

What most undermined near peers was their attachment to the man's income and the man's job. They talked about friendship. But under no circumstances would they endanger his job, even if it meant pulling up stakes every two years, which is very hard on a marriage, or if the man worked days, nights, and weekends for 10 years, or if he traveled to the extent that he essentially put in special guest appearances with his family. Many were fast-track men where both partners agreed this was the way to be.

The second distinguishing factor of the near peers was lack of equal participation in parenthood. Either the woman did not want to give the male full entry into parenthood, or he picked and chose what he would do while extending his work hours.

There are some men who are hell-bent on becoming peer men. They need little guidance in achieving mutual respect, shared responsibility, and joint child raising. There are many more men who want to raise their children, who want an equal partner and a friendship, and who want to enjoy their work but not make it the sole point of their life but don't know how to do it; many resent not having had a dad in the household while growing up.

I consider both of these groups of men equally available for peer marriages. But without an explicit conversation between the two partners about their values, they will never achieve what they really want. Instead, they get caught up in the provider role because it has been traditionally expected of them.

Most often, it is the woman who has the vision of a peer relationship. Women are more positioned for it because the long-term gains are more apparent to them. It is also women who have the most to lose as parenthood approaches, in terms of what they want in a father for their child. As a result, I believe, it is often the woman's responsibility to get across to her partner the relationship style she wants.

There are a lot of men who, if approached with the idea of creating a marriage on these terms, would be extremely amenable. Either they do not get reached in time, and then they develop too much of an investment in the way they are living, or, the woman simply never demands it. I believe that whoever has the vision has the responsibility to say, "Here's what I need," and "Here is what we've got to solve."

There are those who see peer men as weak, who question anyone's desire to be a peer man, with all that housework and child care--as if those did not have great benefits for the relationship. The truth is, what makes a peer relationship is not "housework"--it's joint purpose. It's creating something together. It's not "child care"--it's knowing and loving your children and being a team on that. It will not kill your work, but it will shape it.

WHAT IT TAKES

Although the peer couples tended to be dual earners, not all were. There was no hidden hierarchy in these relationships. The couples I talked to were not on an ideological quest, although they embody ideals feminists have talked about. They came to peer relationships from life experience. For many, the peer relationship grew out of a rejection of past experience; it developed only in a second marriage. Many peers had formerly had a traditional marriage that had been unsatisfying and that they did not want to repeat.

Almost half of the peer marriages contained a previously divorced partner. Of the women who were previously divorced, most said they left their first marriage because of inequitable treatment. The previously married men typically said they sought a peer relationship after a devastating period of fighting over property and support in a marriage marked by emotional and financial dependence. The second time around, many fell in love with exactly the sort of independent woman they avoided or felt insecure around when they were younger.

Peer couples are made, not born. Having a peer relationship requires first and foremost having a sense of yourself; you need something to be equal to. It is harder to do when you're very young, a time when many are willing to hand themselves over and change with each partner. When young, you may land in a peer relationship by sheer luck, but you have not been tested in certain ways about yourself. You may still be trying to find out who you are and your first several attempts may be very wrong.

Flexibility is another important trait, the ability to enter a marriage with no ironclad rules about roles, but to see what you are both doing and say, "Here is what I need." It is possible to enter a relationship mistaking your needs, but you must be able to say, "This is not working for us," and reconfigure how it could work. I was shocked by how many women poured out their resentment who never simply said to a partner, "Here's what has to get done; what's a fair amount of responsibility for you to carry?" Many of these women insist they have a close relationship, but they are afraid it would end if they asked for what they believe a relationship should be.