Family therapist Frank Pittman, M.D., imparts his wit and his
wisdom ontending to gender in children, symptoms without meaning, how to
spot a man-eater, the trouble with turning day into night, and the
longest-running stomachache.
DEAR DR. FRANK: MY 3-YEAR-OLD SON IS A DELIGHT--SMART,
GOOD-NATURED, ADORABLE. BUT HIS NONCOMPETITIVE NATURE IS SOMETIMES SEEN
BY OTHERS AS A SIGN OF EFFEMINACY. WHAT'S MORE, STRANGERS, RESPONDING TO
HIS CHERUBIC FACE AND HALO OF BLOND HAIR, OFTEN ASSUME HE IS A GIRL. I
DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEIR CONFUSION WILL CAUSE HIM CONFUSION. SOMETIMES IT
CAUSES ME CONFUSION. I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE WORRIED OR NOT.
Dear Mother of a Cherub: Congratulations! It sounds as if you have
a wonderful son. Don't worry about your son's gender: There are only two
genders, and I'm sure your son has discovered which one he belongs to and
is preparing to enjoy it if no one makes too big a fuss over it. But it
would help if it were more obvious to others.
I've always thought that if I couldn't tell whether someone was
male or female, it couldn't possibly matter to me or to them. But a lot
of people go around classifying things according to gender, and they get
upset when they can't decide which slot to drop someone into. To avoid
upsetting people, it might be helpful to display your son's gender, not
by exposing his genitals but by dressing him up in a way that clearly
identifies him as male. That way people won't be obsessed with trying to
figure out which he is and thereby making more of gender than necessary.
Once that issue is settled, people won't get confused, and they can
respond to his many virtues.
Your other question, though, involves your concern over whether
there is something wrong with a boy being sweet and good-natured--which
is what I assume you mean by effeminate. Absolutely not! I hope these
days we are all trying to raise full-scale human beings with the virtues
associated traditionally with both males and females, all of which will
be useful. There is no danger from your son (or daughter) having the
traditional female virtues, as long as your son (or daughter) has the
traditional male virtues, too.
Don't let either the feminist or the masculinist literature scare
you into believing that men are, by nature, assholes and women saints.
Men can have redeeming qualities, too, and if you are raising a son, it
helps to know that sweetness, noncompetitiveness, good-naturedness,
adorableness, beauty, and even "cherubism" are quite compatible with Y
chromosomes.
Dear Dr. Frank: Recently I've been losing sleep. I keep having
these recurring thoughts, you could almost say flashbacks. At these times
I often feel that I am unable to breathe. They seem to occur in the
evening and every time I am in an elevator. I feel very flushed and
uncomfortable when they occur. I've also noticed that I become very
irritable toward my older brother. This problem really scares me. Please
help.
Dear Flushed: I have no idea why you are developing anxiety
symptoms. It could possibly be a brain tumor or a faulty thyroid gland,
so you should get a physical exam. It is more likely something simple and
benign. When I'm restless, flushed, irritable, and sleeping fitfully, it
is usually from drinking too much caffeine.
You say you're having flashbacks, but I'm not sure I understand
what you mean. Flashbacks to what? Unpleasant experiences of the day?
Unpleasant experiences from your past? Scary movies you have seen? When I
am overcaffeinated, I experience all three.
Obviously, I know nothing about your relationship with either your
brother or elevators, but if your brother used to close you up in
elevators when you were a baby, ask him not to do that anymore.
Otherwise, don't jump to the conclusion that these symptoms have any
hidden meaning that you have forgotten. The reality we remember is quite
sufficient to keep us busy for a lifetime, without having to speculate on
adventures or traumas we may have experienced and forgotten.
If you are uncomfortable with elevators, I would recommend that you
spend some time riding up and down in them until the experience becomes
boring and a waste of time. If you are irritable with your brother, I
would recommend that you lovingly discuss with him your problem of
irritability, and apologetically mention the things you think he could do
to make you more comfortable with him.
Meanwhile, exercise is probably the best anxiety reliever, so after
you get comfortable riding up and down in the elevator, try walking up
and down the stairs.
Dear Dr. Frank: I am in love with Veronica and she seems to need
me. But every man in her family has been a disappointment in one way or
another. Her father was abusive, as were her stepfathers. Her three
sisters have all divorced their abusive husbands. Veronica's first
husband couldn't hold a job, her second husband never took her anywhere,
and her current husband is so jealous he doesn't like for her to go out
and drink with us guys from work. I am a gentle, loving man and my
friends are worried about me. They call Veronica a "man-eater." But I see
her as just hungry for love. What do you think?
Tags:
blond hair,
confusion,
dear mother,
dr frank,
family therapist,
family therapy,
frank pittman,
fuss,
genders,
genitals,
halo,
virtues,
wit
