What Do You Want From Me, Anyway?
What do men and women expect from relationships? The truth for the
1990s is that men and women expect the same things. Trouble is, they have
inaccurate perceptions of what the opposite sex expects.
Barbara Given, Ph.D., of George Mason University studied 46 men and
65 women in a support group for the newly separated and divorced. Their
average age was 43.
The men and women agreed on eight basic expectations from a
relationship and from a partner, and on the order of their importance.
But when it came to what men think women expect and what women think men
expect, things got all mixed up.
Affection-- Both men and women were more interested in cognitive
and emotional signs than physical/sexual ones. But women exaggerate men's
expectations for sex. "If women act on their assumptions rather than on
actual expectations of men," says Given, "men may view them as overly
eager, aggressive, or shallow."
Communication-- Though both rate it highly, men and women
underestimate expectations of the opposite sex for openness and sincerity
in communication.
Honesty-- Both men and women placed less emphasis on honesty as an
expectation from a partner than they did for themselves!
Compatibility-- Women tend not to recognize the importance of
female friends to men.
Unconditional acceptance-- Men are less aware of women's need for
clear signs of emotional support and acceptance.
Attractiveness-- Both sexes think appearance is more important to
the opposite sex than either states it is. Men incorrectly think women
want a hunk, and women think men want slenderness in them. Both want good
grooming and good manners in a partner.
Enthusiasm-- Both sexes expect to have fun with a partner who
displays a good sense of humor and, especially, enthusiasm for the
relationship.
Intelligence-- Both men and women expect to have stimulating and
challenging interactions, but neither thinks the other does.
Expectations, however, influence how we interpret a partner's
behavior, given stresses. We see what we expect to see.
A lot of what goes wrong in relationships is simple failure to
convey basic needs and expectations. We tend to camouflage our desires in
inferences and innuendoes that we have no reason to expect a partner to
understand.
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