FAMILY THERAPIST FRANK PITTMAN, M.D., IMPARTS HIS, WIT AND HIS
WISDOM ONLEARNING HOW TO HELP PEOPLE, THERAPISTS WHO LOVE TOO MUCH, THE
TRUTH ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY (NOT TO MENTION HETEROSEXUALITY), DRIFTING
SLOWLY THROUGH LIFE, AND THE LONGING TO BE SINGLE--AGAIN.
DEAR DR. FRANK: AS A SENIOR PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT READING YOUR FIRST
DR. FRANK COLUMN, I HAD A HARD TIME BELIEVING THAT AN EXPERIENCED
THERAPIST WOULD FELL A WOMAN WHO IS NOT IN LOVE WITH HER HUSBAND, AND NOT
HAPPY IN HER MARRIAGE, TO GET A HOBBY LIKE GARDENING AND THAT SHE IS
PROBABLY "ONE OF THOSE ROMANTIC WOMEN WHO EXPECTS A MAN TO MAKE HER
HAPPY." NOT ONLY IS IT EACH SPOUSE'S " JOB" TO MAKE THE OTHER HAPPY, BUT
IT IS NOT SOME MENTAL DISORDER ON THE PART OF THE WOMAN. IF SHE IS NOT IN
LOVE WITH HER HUSBAND, STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED WILL BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.
MAYBE SHE SHOULD DISCUSS HER FEELINGS WITH HER HUSBAND TO SEE IF A
SOLUTION COULD BE WORKED OUT BETWEEN THEM WITHOUT DIVORCE BEING INVOLVED;
HOWEVER, SHE PROBABLY FEELS TOO MUCH GUILT ABOUT THESE FEELINGS, WHICH
SHE CANNOT JUST GET OVER.
THERE WAS NOT ONE CLASS THAT I HAVE TAKEN THAT TAUGHT THAT THE BEST
COURSE OF ACTION IS TO PASS JUDGMENT AND ASSIGN BLAME, I CAN'T HELP BUT
BELIEVE THAT WHAT I READ WAS VERY SEXIST AND UNPROFESSIONAL.
Dear Hard Time Believing: I assure you I would have given the same
answer to a man (and I've seen many) who expected his wife to bring
happiness into his life and blames her if he's not having a good day. The
romantic expectations of women produce just as much unhappiness as those
of men, and are no more nor less a tyranny to their partners.
You are learning how to help people escape the tyranny of their
emotions. In the early stages of their training, we encourage budding
therapists to act neutral. Inexperienced therapists tend to sympathize
with their clients' emotions and may feel as paralyzed by the feelings as
the clients are. As developing therapists get more wisdom, we let them
point out to clients what the client is doing wrong, what sensible people
would do under these circumstances, and what the feelings are that get
the client into trouble. Most of the emotional troubles people have in
life are not due to mental disorder but to misinformation about feelings
and relationships. Few things create as much confusion as the urgency of
being "in love."
The woman who raised the question believes, as you do, that it is
her husband's ("each spouse's") job to make her happy and "if she is not
in love with her husband, staying happily married will be almost
impossible." Such foreboding beliefs doom marriages and families. Please
refrain from practicing either psychotherapy or marriage until you
overcome them. Being in love is a high; it is also a state of temporary
insanity. It is glorious but inefficient, and in the best of
relationships, it will pass. It is certainly easy to be loving to someone
with whom you feel "in love," just as it is easy for a malfunctioning
automobile to run smoothly when it is going down hill. The only vehicles
or relationships worth having are those that can get you through the
rough spots and the tough uphill climbs. Loving your partner is an
investment in both your marriage and your character. Being loving has
very little to do with being "in love."
Depressed people may experience their depression the absence of
in-loveness in their marriage and try to treat it with divorce or
infidelity rather than with exercise, activity, psychotherapy, or Prozac.
Our letter writer is unhappy, but can't get help--from herself, her
husband, or a therapist--because she blames her problem on her marriage
and her lack of in-loveness, which she perceives to be a state of tragic
deprivation that is outside her control.
The romantic approach toward life is both irresponsible and
suicidal. Let us hope therapists don't buy into it.
Dear Dr. Frank: Several years ago I was seeing a psychologist and
grew very attached to her. She wasn't only a therapist but a mother
figure as well. She allowed mew to see and phone her outside the office.
A few months ago, she terminated my allowance to see or talk to her
anymore. I grew obsessed and started to drive by her house and send
unwanted letters (as well as making unwanted phone calls). My current
therapist has had me write a "good-bye letter" to this former therapist
to close it emotionally. Even with writing that letter, I am still
compelled by my obsessions. I drive by her house, etc.
I know these obsessive acts are wrong, but I still can't keep
myself from engaging in them. I was wondering if you had any
suggestions?
Dear Obsessed: First, stop doing it. Nothing you do to close the
relationship emotionally will work unless you first stop bothering this
foolish former therapist who led you on and then suddenly cut you loose.
I know you are afraid you'd go crazy if you didn't do these things, but
you probably won't, and if you do, that will be a lot easier for your
sensible new therapist to treat than obsessive transference.
There is much to be said for getting your therapy from therapists
you don't like very much, and especially those that don't like you very
much. Therapists are not selling love by the hour. If you want a mother,
try your own. If you try her, and that doesn't work out, then find some
frustrated mother who needs a child, but leave therapists alone; the good
ones are too busy to mother you and the bad ones are too crazy.
Tags:
advice,
cli,
dr frank,
family therapist,
frank pittman,
hard time,
longing,
mental disorder,
psychology student,
romantic expectations,
romantic women,
tyranny,
wit
