Don't try to protect her from anything. Her success in life will
depend on your faith in her and your belief that the world is a safe
enough place for her to embrace and conquer. If you convince her the
world is dangerous) that men (other than you) are treacherous, and that
she better play it safe and stay close to daddy, you cripple her.
Don't put down girls' things, even if at adolescence she forgets
about conquering the world and becomes preoccupied with clothes, makeup,
and who has a crush on whom. That is by no means sillier than the stuff
boys worship in adolesence, like muscles, cars, scores of ball games, and
player statistics.
Above all, treat her mother with respect and equality, not just
fairness, but with the firm belief that her mother's activities, tastes,
and opinions are just as valid as your own. I don't know how your
daughter will turn out but you follow this, but You'll turn out
great.
Dear Dr. Frank: My brother let it slip once that my father, now
deceased several years, had had an affair. He refuses to talk to me about
it further, saying that he was told in confidence by Dad.
Indeed he was: At the time he himself was having an affair (which y
led to the breakup of his marriage). But I feel I am entitled to know
more about the man who was as much my father as his. My father was a
difficult man, and my mother is an emotionally unreachable person who
still suffers in her emotional isolation.
I feel this information may explain a lot, make me feel more
sympathetic for her, and find a way to successfully get through to her,
before it's too late.
Dear Entitled to Know: Yes, you should know any information that
might explain your father, your mother, your parents' marriage, and your
brother's belief that men's pecadilloes should be kept secret from the
womenfolk.
There is an interesting pattern of loyalty among the men in your
family: They can betray the women in the family, even their own wives,
but they maintain their commitments to one another. The way in which the
men keep secrets from the women reveals much about the gender attitudes
of your father and brother, which undoubtedly color your mother's life
and your own.
You already know your father had an affair. Are you awaiting your
brother's permission before you discuss it with your mother? Have you
bought into the family attitude that your women must not be privy to
men's secrets?
A man or woman cannot betray a husband or a wife without also
betraying the children in the family. Family secrets do great harm, often
for generations. They disorient people and make them dependent upon
people who are lying to them. And those who lie are willing to drive
their loved ones crazy rather than admit their own weakness or
error.
Does your brother just naively hope your mother didn't know she was
being betrayed? Or does he just believe that women prefer being lied to?
It is the lie and the secret of infidelity that do the great damage--not
the sex itself. People who are biding a secret shame are indeed likely to
be difficult--just as those who are being lied to and disoriented by
those who love them are sure to become emotionally unreachable and
isolated.
Knowing those things is helpful but not sufficient; only if you
know the details of this significant crisis in your parents' lives can
you become fully sympathetic with your parents and reach the crucial
point of forgiving them.
Your brother needs to understand, among other things, that people
don't need to worship their parents and think of them as flawless, but we
do need to understand who they were and why they were the way they were.
Only then can we be different from them, while still honoring
them.
We're all, even your brother of the misplaced loyalty, merely
human.
PHOTO: Dr. Frank Pittman, M.D.
ILLUSTRATION
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