Family therapist Frank Pittman, M.D., imparts his wit and wisdomon
the fine art of fatherhood, the hateful habit of smoking, the aftermath
of sexual abuse, and family secrets.
DEAR DR. FRANK: FOR HEALTH REASONS, MY HUSBAND SHOULD NOT SMOKE
CIGARETTES. HE CAN AND SOMETIMES DOES GO DAYS AT A TIME WITHOUT SMOKING,
SUGGESTING HE'S NOT ADDICTED. BUT MOST OFTEN, HE SNEAKS CIGARETTES,
EITHER BORROWING THEM FROM OTHERS OR BUYING AND HIDING A PACK OF HIS OWN.
I CAN OFTEN TELL WHEN HE'S SMOKED--THE SMELL IS OBVIOUS. I HATE HIS
LYING, AND I DON'T SEE HOW THE SNEAKINESS CAN HELP HIM FEEL GOOD, WHICH I
AM CONCERNED ABOUT BECAUSE HE IS SUBJECT TO DEPRESSION. IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO TO HELP HIM STOP OR SHOULD I JUST FORGET ABOUT IT?
Dear Forget About It: Smoking is a dirty, smelly, dangerous habit.
It will not only turn you into an invalid and eventually kill you, it
will make you socially unacceptable. It is hard for you to understand how
anyone sane could do such a disgusting thing--unless of course you have
been a smoker yourself. You must understand that nicotine is not just a
highly addictive drug, it is an effective antidepressant that makes
anything else in life tolerable.
Nicotine is the only addiction I've ever had, and it took me 30
years to break the lovely, comforting, deadly habit. I quit many times,
going through the hell of withdrawal. I was irritable, depressive, and
quite sure I was going crazy about the third day off the cigarettes. I
would make a pact with myself that I would not have a cigarette until I
was right on the verge of total insanity. Every time, I would go
nuts.
Even if I could go for days without smoking, merely obsessed with
it, I was still addicted. I was just spending my life in a state of
withdrawal. Meanwhile, anyone who tried to make me quit was my enemy.
Finally, one afternoon, I was so disgusted with my weakness that I
decided I would quit smoking even if I went crazy. That was eight years
ago. I haven't had a cigarette since, knowing that once I did, I would be
back in the same completely engulfing game with myself. I have not been
an especially happier person since then, but I have been far healthier,
and more socially acceptable.
Your husband is still addicted and is not prepared to go through
the horrendous experience of withdrawal yet. Please, take seriously the
power of nicotine addiction. Any addiction brings out the worst in the
addict--smokers not only beg, borrow, and steal, they sneak, lie, and
hide. You don't need to ask him if he's smoking, you can smell it easily
enough.
You have every right to insist that he not smoke around you. But
the more you turn it into an issue between you and him, the more you
banish him to the company of those few remaining smokers left in the
world. He is in the grips of a force more powerful than you. Don't try to
control him, and don't take it personally.
Smoking may look like an infantile and self-indulgent character
flaw to you, but nicotine addiction is a quite serious matter to the
smoker, and withdrawal is dreadful. Understand the difficulty not only of
withdrawal, but of life without this effective, however smelly,
antidepressant companion. Take it seriously and sympathetically.
Dear Dr. Frank: When I was a boy, around eight I think, my father
woke me up during the night several times and made me give him oral sex.
I never told anybody, even my brother and sisters, because I was ashamed.
I thought I should have been strong enough to resist. The more I read
about incest survivors, the more I worry about myself Am I going to go
crazy because of what he did to me?
I worry about the rest of my family, too. One of my sisters won't
let our father babysit with her children, but she won't tell why. Another
sister had a baby when she was in high school, and I've wondered if it
could have been my father's child. I finally broke down and told my wife.
She thinks I ought to talk to my brother and sisters and find out if he
did anything to them, too. We've all turned out fine, but we are all very
shy and inhibited, talking about sex. I think it would embarrass them to
talk about it.
My father lives with me now since my mother died. He's old and
frail. I don't want to upset him, but I want to ask him why he did it.
I've been haunted by it all these years. Even if he's forgotten about it,
I think about it every day.
Dear Haunted: Your story is very painful, and very familiar. Your
brother and sisters might have had similar experiences, felt similar
shame, and likewise never mentioned it. If the sexual encounters were
unsettling for them, they would probably remember them. The secrecy and
the silence surrounding child molesting like this makes kids feel alone
and ashamed. The lingering silence may be worse for them than the abuse
itself.
Back in the '60s, I wrote the first paper on incest in family
therapy literature. I've gotten a lot of incest referrals since then.
It's pretty common--several percent of boys and girls get molested by
fathers or stepfathers, several dozen percent get molested by other
adults, and practically every child gets molested by other children. Any
molestation can be traumatic, but betray al and exploitation by a trusted
adult can be devastating, especially if it must be kept a secret.
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