Advice from an ad hoc faculty on the complicated matters of heart,
mind, body, and soul.
Q: YOU SUSPECT YOUR 16-YEAR-OLD IS HAVING SEX. WHAT SHOULD YOU SAY
OR DO?
I think the first thing you need to do is ask yourself what is the
evidence? Have you found your child necking? Has your daughter come to
you asking about your gynecologist? A boyfriend, girlfriend, or your
child asking you questions about sex is not enough evidence for you as
the parent to be questioning your child.
If you do have enough evidence to believe your child is sexually
active, there are a few rules to remember: Look your child directly in
the eyes and talk, do not scream at them. If you are embarrassed to talk
about sex, practice in front of a mirror first. One of the worst things
you can do is tell them you can't handle the situation.
This may be the time to talk about real choices--such as what type
of birth control they are going to use. It is also time to let them know
you are not pleased with their decision to have sex and encourage them to
wait. Chances are that a child who is having sex at 16 is probably going
to end up getting hurt.
--Matti Geshenfeld, Ph.D.
President, Couples Learning
Center Philadelphia, PA
Sixteen is too late! Kids need parents to talk openly and honestly
with them from a very young age. This is not a pre-AIDS society that can
pretend to be separate from the rest of the world. Kids need to be
comfortable with their selves and their sexuality long before they
practice it.
Teenagers are the fastest rising risk group for AIDS. We need to
confront our own fears about AIDS and stop projecting them on our
children. Their lives are at stake.
Children must be lovingly approached and taught the beautiful and
ugly sides of human sexuality. They must know the responsibilities that
go along with sexual relations before they have children themselves. We
all know this is a different world. We must face it with the utmost
courage and honesty.
Timothy J. Hollis
Santa Fe, NM
I would sit them down and have a nice little heart to heart. First,
I would talk about physical risks. Then I would talk about emotional
risks like where they thought the relationship was going. I'd also talk
about birth control be cause although I'd prefer they wait, it is better
to be safe than sorry
I know kids because I am a kid and I know that, it they want to
have sex, they will. But most important, I'd let them know I would love
them no matter what they do.
P.S. Don't lecture. Lectures are stupid and when they are given,
kids usually end up doing the opposite anyway!
Kathryn Christensen, 16
Apple Valley, NM
I would say that I hoped that it was planned, consensual,
nonexploitive, and protected. I would express regret that he/she did not
wait until he/she was older, surer, wiser. would tell him/her that I
hoped that now and hereafter his/her love relations are characterized by
mutual respect, caring, and kindness...and that they spoke about it and
thought about it.
Jane M. Johnson, MSW
Planned Parenthood
Federation of America
New York, NY
It's important to talk to children about sexuality--which includes
much more than the biology of reproduction--on a regular basis well
before they reach adolescence. These discussions should reflect the
child's level of maturity and should include issues of responsibility,
why we don't force people to do things against their will, contraception,
and the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases. This makes it easier
for teenagers to talk about their own sexual feelings.
If I suspected my 16-year old were sexually active, I'd discuss
several issues we'd talked about in the past. Are they using condoms and
another form of birth control every time? Are either of them feeling
exploited or manipulated? What do they want out of the relationship? What
will they do in the event of pregnancy? How else might they be able to
express their feelings for each other?
--Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
Harvard Medical
School, Cambridge, MA
Use a condom and don't f**k with your shoes on.
--Helen Tworkov
Editor in Chief, tricycle:
The Buddhist Review
First off, parents shouldn't hesitate to let their child know their
opinion on the subject. You can't control your teenager's behavior, but
you have a right to express your thoughts about what he or she is doing.
And while your daughter or son may not ask you directly, he or she may
need and want your guidance and benefit from your experience. What's key
is presenting what you have to say in the right way. You might say, "I'd
always hoped you'd wait until you were older and in a caring, committed
relationship before you had sex" (if that's how you feel), or "I'd always
hoped that you'd be using birth control when you had sex." This approach
is particularly appropriate if you're not certain your child actually is
having sex. It's nonaccusatory and nonconfrontational.
If you are sure your child is having sex, whether or not you
approve, it's important to get past your own feelings and make sure he or
she understands how important it is to be responsible about using birth
control and protection from sexually transmitted diseases. While it's
disappointing that your child may be doing something against your wishes,
it's much sadder to be confronting an unwanted pregnancy or a terminal
illness.
Tags:
adolescent,
body and soul,
gynecologist,
having sex,
human sexuality,
parenting,
rest of the world,
risk group,
safe sex,
sex,
sex ed,
sexual relations,
stake
