Research indicates you can get mad as hell or avoid conflict
altogether. But the positivity must outweigh the negativity by five to
one.
If you are worried about the future of your marriage or
relationship, you have plenty of company. There's no denying that this is
a frightening time for couples. More than half of all first marriages end
in divorce; 60 percent of second marriages fail. What makes the numbers
even more disturbing is that no one seems to understand why our marriages
have become so fragile.
In pursuit of the truth about what tears a marriage apart or binds
it together, I have found that much of the conventional wisdom--even
among marital therapists--is either misguided or dead wrong. For example,
some marital patterns that even professionals often take as a sign of a
problem--such as having intense fights or avoiding conflict altogether--I
have found can signify highly successful adjustments that will keep a
couple together. Fighting, when it airs grievances and complaints, can be
one of the healthiest things a couple can do for their
relationship.
If there's one lesson I've learned in my years of research into
marital relationships--having interviewed and studied more than 200
couples over 20 years--it is that a lasting marriage results from a
couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any
relationship. Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with
happiness and believe the claim "we never fight" is a sign of marital
health. But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our
differences. That's how we become more loving people and truly experience
the fruits of marriage.
Although there are other dimensions that are telling about a union,
the intensity of argument seems to bring out a marriage's true colors. To
classify a marriage, in my lab at the University of Washington in
Seattle, I look at the frequency of fights, the facial expressions and
physiological responses (such as pulse rate and amount of sweating) of
both partners during their confrontations, as well as what they say to
each other and in what tone of voice they interact verbally.
But there's much more to a successful relationship than knowing how
to fight well. Not all stable couples resolve conflicts in the same way,
nor do they mean the same thing by "resolving" their conflict. In fact, I
have found that there are three different styles of problem solving into
which healthy marriages tend to settle:
o Validating. Couples compromise often and calmly work out their
problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise.
o Volatile. Conflict erupts often, resulting in passionate
disputes.
o Conflict-avoiding. Couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting
their differences head-on.
Previously, many psychologists might have considered
conflict-avoiding and volatile marriages to be destructive. But my
research suggests that all three styles are equally stable and bode
equally well for the marriage's future.
"HEALTHY" MARRIAGE STYLES
One of the first things to go in a marriage is politeness. As
laughter and validation disappear, criticism and pain well up. Your
attempts to get communication back on track seem useless, and partners
become lost in hostile and negative thoughts and feelings. Yet here's the
surprise: There are couples whose fights are as deafening as thunder yet
who have long-lasting, happy relationships.
The following three newly married couples accurately illustrate the
three distinct styles of marriage.
Bert and Betty, both 30, both came from families that weren't very
communicative, and they were determined to make communication a priority
in their relationship. Although they squabbled occasionally, they usually
addressed their differences before their anger boiled over. Rather than
engaging in shouting matches, they dealt with their disagreements by
having "conferences" in which each aired his or her perspective. Usually,
they were able to arrive at a compromise.
Max 40, and Anita, 25, admitted that they quarreled far more than
the average couple. They also tended to interrupt each other and defend
their own point of view rather than listen to what their partner was
expressing. Eventually, however, they would reach some sort of accord.
Despite their frequent tension, however, they seemed to take much delight
in each other.
Joe, 29, and Sheila, 27, said they thought alike about almost
everything and felt "an instant comfort" from the start. Although they
spent a good deal of time apart, they still enjoyed each other's company
and fought very rarely. When tension did arise, both considered solo
jogging more helpful in soothing the waters than talking things out or
arguing.
Not surprisingly, Bert and Betty were still happily married four
years after I'd first interviewed them. However, so were Max and Anita,
as well as Joe and Sheila. Marriages like Bert and Betty's, though, which
emphasize communication and compromise, have long been held up as the
ideal. Even when discussing a hot topic, they display a lot of ease and
calm, and have a keen ability to listen to and understand each other's
emotions.
That's why I call such couples "validators": In the midst of
disagreement they still let their partners know that they consider his or
her emotions valid, even if they don't agree with them. This expression
of mutual respect tends to limit the number of arguments couples need to
have.
