AS AMERICA HEADS INTO ANOTHER DECADE OF UNRELENTINGLY HIGH DIVORCE
RATES, WE ARE JUST BEGINNING TO GAIN A SCIENTIFIC UNDERSTANDING OF CLOSE
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS IN THEIR EXTRAORDINARY COMPLEXITY. ONLY A SMALL
BAND OF RESEARCHERS HAS PAINSTAKINGLY DESIGNED STUDIES THAT LOOK NOT ONLY
AT UNHAPPY AND DISTRESSED COUPLES BUT AT HAPPY ONES AS WELL IN ORDER TO
DISCOVER THE ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES.
ONE OF THE PIONEERS IN THIS FIELD IS HOWARD MARKMAN, PH.D.,
PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF DENVER AND DIRECTOR OF THE
CENTER FOR MARITAL AND FAMILY STUDIES THERE. HIS BOOK, WE CAN WORK IT
OUT: MAKING SENSE OF MARITAL CONFLICT (PUTNAM), IS COAUTHORED WITH FAMILY
PSYCHOLOGIST CLIFFORD NOTARIUS, PH.D., PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY AT THE
CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY IN WASHINGTON, D.C., AND DIRECTOR OF THE CENTER FOR
FAMILY PSYCHOLOGY. WE THOUGHT THE FOLLOWING BEST SUMS UP THEIR IMPORTANT
WORK.
Since we have spent 20 years in scientific investigations of
marriage, the first question we are usually asked is, "So what did you
find?" We sum up the results of our research and clinical work by
presenting six simple truths of relationship happiness.
Without underestimating the effort it takes to create a genuinely
happy relationship, or the complexity of the problems couples typically
encounter, here are the facts partners need to know in order to sustain a
happy marriage or to repair and revive an unhappy one. These simple
truths will guide you through the sometimes turbulent waters that beset
all close relationships.
No. 1: EACH RELATIONSHIP CONTAINS A RESERVOIR OF HOPE.
Our research has shown that even the most destructive fights and
conflicts start with good intentions. These good intentions form the
basis for a hidden reservoir of hope that a fully satisfying relationship
can be achieved. The key: bow to tap into the good intent and the
reservoir of hope.
No. 2: ONE "ZINGER" WILL ERASE 20 ACTS OF KINDNESS.
Our research has shown that it takes one put-down to undo hours of
kindness you give to your partner. The key: intimate partners must learn
how to manage their anger and control the exchange of negative behavior
by finding a way to express the feelings in a constructive manner.
Constructive expression of gripes, criticisms, and annoyances is a matter
of knowing how to express oneself and choosing the appropriate time and
place for the conversation.
No. 3: LITTLE CHANGES IN YOU CAN LEAD TO HUGE CHANGES IN THE
RELATIONSHIP.
We began our research thinking it would be easy to detect
differences between happy and unhappy couples. Although it turns out to
be true that there are clear and reliable differences, those differences
tend to be small and subtle.
Most couples in trouble think that for things to improve,
extraordinary changes, if not a miracle, have to take place. And human
nature being what it is, most of us who have relationship troubles think
these changes need to be made by our spouse, not ourselves. But we often
don't realize that we have no control over our partner's behavior.
As a result, we develop a sense of hopelessness and helplessness
about the relationship. If only he or she would change, everything would
be fine--or so we think. The breakthrough comes when we realize that by
making even small changes in ourselves, we can effect big, positive
changes that make us more optimistic and open to our partners.
Add to your relationship acts of thoughtful kindness--compliment
your partner on how he or she looks, touch your partner's back when you
walk by. And subtract from your relationship acts of thoughtless
nastiness--ignoring your partner when you are angry, calling your partner
names.
No. 4: IT'S NOT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PARTNERS THAT CAUSE
PROBLEMS BUT HOW THE DIFFERENCES ARE HANDLED WHEN THEY ARISE.
Many partners think that their relationship woes are the result of
differences between themselves and their mate. We've heard many couples
say, "We're not compatible: he likes to be on the go; I like to stay at
home," or "She goes to bed early; I'm a night person." This reasoning is
an understandable effort to explain the causes of unhappiness.
But rather than focusing on areas of agreement and disagreement,
partners in happy relationships develop good listening skills. These
skills have nothing to do with eliminating differences, forcing
consensus, or giving advice. Listening skills involve understanding and
acceptance of differences in personality and taste. Having a good
listener is having a good friend. In a happy relationship, a partner can
count on his or her mate's being a good friend and never a judge or
counselor.
No. 5: MEN AND WOMEN FIGHT USING DIFFERENT WEAPONS BUT SUFFER
SIMILAR WOUNDS.
Not only do men and women suffer similar wounds, they also sustain
them trying to accomplish the same objectives: acceptance, support,
affection. When partners try to understand what is not going right in a
relationship, they tend to examine the current weapons being used rather
than the ultimate goals that are so strongly desired by both people. When
we have focused our research on the goals men and women share for their
relationship, we have exposed many common misconceptions about the
differences between men and women in marriages.
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