Cites the work of Ronald C. Kessler (University of Michigan) in the
'Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,' who reports that in those
married more than eight years, the frequency of fighting is a more
powerful predictor of separation and divorce than whether you fight fair
or dirty. Frequent disagreements a marker for some hidden problem; Not
clear if avoiding issues sparks marital conflict; Details.
By
PT Staff, published on September 01, 1993
Marriage
It's not simply how you and your partner argue--whether you fight
fair or dirty. It's how much you argue that governs whether the union
will endure.
Marriage experts have known for some time that the combat style of
couples can kill the relationship. While conflict is inevitable in modern
matches, those who tackle differences with defensiveness, anger, and
stubbornness end up divorced.
That, say University of Michigan researchers, is true only for the
newly married. For those married more than eight years, the frequency of
fighting is a more powerful predictor of separation and divorce.
"There's lots of divorce in the early years of marriage;" reports
sociologist Ronald C. Kessler, Ph.D., "Half of all couples who divorce do
so in the first eight years. It's a time when couples are working things
out; there's lots of negotiation going on, and arguing is part of it."
That's when a negative fighting style has a big impact.
After that, "it's irrelevant whether you fight good or bad. If you
fight frequently, something is not being worked out. Your wrangles may
reflect fundamental differences."
Kessler and colleagues studied 691 married couples and followed
them over a three-year span. At the start, they had been married from
less than one to more than 45 years. Over the three years, 27 couples
divorced and another 34 separated--29 of whom eventually got back
together.
In general, couples married nine or more years argue less often
than those married eight years or under, though the arguments they have
are quite acrimonious. Yet, the negativity is less distressful to them
than a rise in the frequency of fighting.
Perhaps, Kessler suggests in the Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships (Vol. 10.), frequent disagreements at that point are a
marker for some hidden problem. He suspects that one of the partners may
have an underlying depression that adversely affects marital
functioning.
The average married couple, it appears, has one serious fight a
month, and innumerable squabbles. But don't think you can save your
marriage by avoiding conflict. Couples who disagree the most frequently
are those who are the most avoidant--and are at the highest risk for
separation and divorce. It's not clear whether avoiding issues sparks
marital conflict. Or whether withdrawal during the course of conflict is
most detrimental.
ILLUSTRATION
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