As in any recoupling, there are the routine fears of loss of love and loss of financial inheritance. But the reactivation of a love that predates the other parent brings up a specific set of additional problems.
It ignites an anxiety that can roughly be summarized as, "If you had married him/her back then, then I wouldn't have existed." It is experienced as a deep threat to the self, and it must be addressed. This can best be done once you yourself have arrived at an acceptance that the sweetheart relationship was "not meant to be" in the past. The discussion should include the positives of the marriage and family you did make. Children never hear this too often.
There will be devaluation of a parent for having made a "big mistake" in life. The loss of faith in a parent's judgment can destabilize the parent-child relationship and lead to a kind of role reversal -- if the parent agrees with it. Better that it should lead to a healthy discussion of recurring human fallibility and of growth throughout the life cycle.
#8. Friends pose another set of issues. Among dear friends who know your life story, you can expect to feel embarrassed in telling them that you and your old flame are back together again. "Are you doing that cockeyed thing again?"
On the other hand, wise friends can also function as monitors this time. They can help prevent the repetition of sudden endings and encourage the sweethearts to defend what they are doing and be more reality-oriented. Talking candidly to friends as you go along helps you to think more clearly and can keep you from slipping into a dream world.
#9. Don't repeat The Great Gatsby. It did not have a happy ending. Gatsby, remember, did not get the girl. He forced Daisy, the love of his life, to tell Tom, her husband and the father of her only child, that he meant nothing to her and that she had loved only Gatsby, never anyone else.
Resist the lure of invalidating the sweetheart's other important relationships that have occurred during the intervening years. It is not wise (or necessary) to undercut the significance of ex-spouses!
The emotional intensity of separated lovers finally getting what they have long wanted may ignite a childlike wish to undo the loved one's past. Like Gatsby, a long-lost lover might force statements and actions to gain emotional primacy over all others. Such demands are not only childish, they can be disastrous! You can never make up for years of being apart. There were valid reasons for the failure to unite years ago. Mature people understand that they do not have a monopoly on a partner's attachments.
#10. Sweetheart reunions need a warning label. They are poison for "women who love too much" and their male counterparts! A sweetheart reunion can restart a once-uncontrollable obsession successfully put aside by dint of tremendous effort, perhaps even years of therapy. Reunions are not for people who can't get unstuck once they love someone. (Check your track record to see whether this is true of you.) They can reactivate a pattern of making another person, rather than yourself, the focus of your life.
#11. Good things can happen to old flames even if they don't reignite. Even when reunion with an old love is a disappointment, there can still be positive developmental results. While many people carry around the image of a past failed love, for some it fuels a perpetual flame of fantasy that becomes more alluring than the real-life relationship they are in. They make comparisons that disadvantage their everyday relationship and indefinitely postpone making the best of it.
Sometimes the best way to let go of a past unsuccessful love is to go back and have an actual reunion. This process can be a way of dosing the circle or writing the last chapter, and thus freeing oneself from a lifelong fantasy. The result can be greatly enhanced enjoyment of present life. Even an unsuccessful reunion can promote wisdom and a sense of completion in one's own life.
By setting up a meeting with an old love you may find out how much you have grown and changed over the years. First of all you can get a look at what your past romantic love is like in the light of today's reality. You may get some real shocks. Physical changes may turn you off. Or when you sit down and talk you may find that what once looked like creativity and imagination can now be recognized as childishness, emotional instability, or actual craziness. Some traits look different with time, others are the worse for wear.
As you get to know one another in the present, big differences in judgment can become clear. What was fondly remembered as insightfulness or analytic skiff may now appear to be negativism and bitterness. What flourished as moderate competitiveness may be transmuted by time and outlook into an all-out war between the sexes. Your old sweetheart may feel that contract and negotiation are the only bases of connection between the sexes.
In such cases reunions make it obvious that a life together could not have worked. And in the process, you have learned something about yourself.
THIRTY YEARS AGO, THERE WAS NO closure with Warren. The resolution for me was having the opportunity to have it happen again. Our capacity to enjoy our new relationship is what gives it a happy ending. Today Warren and I are married and living in California.
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