The partner who broke off the relationship may, in fact, have been experiencing emotional rejection from the other party at the time. Though being told "I love you," the partner may have felt otherwise in his or her gut, and the only way of showing any hurt at all may have been to stop the relationship entirely. Now, the rejectee must own up to having abdicated responsibility back then by appearing the victim and not admitting the strong negative feelings that were in the relationship. Thus, layers of self-deception may be peeled away in the process of making amends.
THE CLOSENESS AND intimacy I cherished in our relationship, it turned out, Warren feared as a sign of dependency -- his. Privately, he was facing a growing crisis, one his analyst helped frame as a choice between saving himself or saving me. Having to reveal this in person, he felt, might actually keep him from breaking off the relationship -- a sign of the passions beneath.
So he sent a telegram instead. That stunningly impersonal document crushed me so hard it set off a full-blown panic attack. For Warren it officially launched a three-decade-long flight from intimacy. He achieved everything he ever dreamed. Still, he felt isolated.
The enormous amount of success he has achieved over the years has changed him. it has allowed him to be more creative. It has made him more sure of his instincts. He shows his feelings of love. He is no longer afraid that intimacy means dependency. Nor does he fear dependency.
#5. There must be consensus about the reasons for the original breakup. A shared idea of why the relationship failed back then must gradually emerge. This is essential for a reconciliation that can endure. One person can't just convince the other of his or her point of view. In answering the inevitable "If you're so smart why didn't you marry him/her back then?" both sweethearts must agree that it couldn't have been forced at the time.
Old lovers must not only develop a shared view of why the relationship failed, they must also come to agreement as to why they couldn't make it work at the time. A joint recognition must occur that each was stumped by specific personal problems and behaviors. Each partner must reach a deep understanding of what was truly irreconcilable about past behavior. Only a fool expects different results from the same repetitive behavior.
Because this is a deep process of self-understanding, it takes months, not days, for each partner to accept the validity of the reasons it failed in the past. Out of this shared view comes a perception that neither was the exclusive victim. As both persons air and relinquish their long-held private versions, a new joint construction of their emotional realities comes into being. This shared vision is a strong foundation for the future. It takes time, but forgiveness also occurs.
IN THE COURSE OF VISITS TO THE WEST Coast, Warren and I often went out to dinner with his friends. "This is the woman I should have married 30 years ago," he would introduce me. And we would launch into our story. Through these public tellings and retellings in a setting of social approval, we developed the objectivity to assume the responsibility for our failed love. Just as important, it helped us construct a shared view of the reasons for failure.
In telling my story, I ultimately recognized a scenario of neglect. I grew to understand that I had frozen Warren out. While he included me in the social side of his academic life, I kept him totally separate from my medical life. Focused on my own needs, I was sure that being a stimulating partner, rather than a nurturing one, would keep us going. I couldn't even imagine that someone so richly endowed as Warren needed anything. But he was not being taken care of emotionally. Our marathon talks were gratifying, but they were periodic. Then I'd spin off into my world again.
There were, in retrospect, things we could have done to protect our long investment in the relationship. We who believed so strongly in therapy could have taken ourselves to a therapist -- together. Then, too, Warren could have taken the adult-style responsibility for telling me that he needed care.
Having learned the art of existing in the present, and having the confidence that comes with achievement, I was able to let go of the past. I could accept what happened years ago and move forward. Many people in my place may have had such hurt feelings that they would have needed to punish their ex-lover -- even though doing so would spoil their new shot at happiness.
#6. There are specific characteristics of people who rekindle an old love. I have come to understand that not everyone is suited for rekindling an old flame. Love is an expansive and optimistic feeling. People who choose to reactivate old love appear to be optimistic and action-oriented throughout their lives. They are, by definition, risk-takers. Romantic and poetic qualities seem to be long-established traits among those who pursue reunions. At the very least, they must no longer be afraid of the adventurous path of love.
#7. Commonly, important issues arise among family. Intense reactions are often not limited to the two principals involved. Children also experience significant reactions, and you can count on these regardless of how old they are or whether or not prenuptial agreements guarantee their inheritances. It may come as a surprise but the "child" of 40 can be as deeply upset as a teenager.
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