Two basic principles underlie her approach. "One is that if it
works, don't fix it. For example, your child gives everyone in the
household a hard time about getting up for school. Instead of trying to
reinvent everybody's psyche, "try to figure out what was different at the
time in the past when there was no problem with getting up for school and
do more of that." If suddenly you and your husband aren't getting along,
"figure out what was right in the past and make more of that
happen."
The second principle is "if it doesn't work, do something
different. Go to Plan B. Don't just keep doing more of the same, no
matter how justified or good it seems."
Most therapists' prescriptions for sorting out everyday problems or
handling crises present the notion "that there is one correct way to do
this or that; they treasure consistency of approach," Weiner-Davis says.
"But that often means you keep doing what doesn't work. My approach is
that what you do doesn't have to be perfect or rooted in a brilliant
theory. It just has to work for you."
By way of example, she explains that her family is now faced with
her daughter's school problems. "She doesn't love school and would
frankly prefer not going at all. She is socially a major success, but her
lack of achievement has been difficult for us because we're
high-achieving kinds of people. We are stressed out trying to get her to
be more diligent about schoolwork. We'd tried everything from ranting and
threatening loss of the phone, and finally we decided to turn to more
solution-oriented approaches.
We laid out cards and looked at what worked in the past. We found
two things: a daily homework assignment notebook in which she must write
down and get the initials of every teacher; and a form that, at the end
of each week, she passes around to teachers for an account of tests,
grades, and comments. So we have this daily and weekly report we track.
And her grades have picked up. This is not easy; it makes us be policemen
and it's exhausting and tedious. No, we shouldn't have to do this! But we
do have to. The bottom line of changing what stresses you or doesn't work
is that you don't have to like it. It's hard work, but you have to do it
if it works."
Weiner-Davis agrees that marriage is a difficult relationship to
maintain and nurture in the best of circumstances. "Countless times I've
learned in my marriage about doing what works, instead of what I feel
like, or what I think he should do."
After 16 years of marriage and four years of living together
beforehand, she says, "I've gotten good at imagining the results of
something I will do or say before I do or say something on my mind. I ask
myself, "'Am I likely to get the outcome I want?' If not, I stop and
think of an alternative way to handle things to get more of what I
want.
"People often say they want closeness and intimacy and do things
that bring just the opposite. I, being action-oriented, for instance,
often want to go out, while my husband is more inclined to take it easy.
In the past I'd say things like, 'we never go anywhere,' and he saw me as
a nag. From my perspective, it was the furthest thing from nagging; it
was a cry for closeness. Now I try to say 'let's go out for dinner Friday
night.' I emphasize what we can do, instead of what we haven't been
doing. I get things going."
Is this fair? Does one person always have to initiate change and
swallow his or her resentment over irritating or miserable behavior?
"Since relationships are the source of most stress and crisis, at least
for women, I take the view that most problems are solvable and it doesn't
matter who initiates the solution; at the end everyone wins." In Western
culture, she agrees, with its growing emphasis on equity and equality of
effort, people get hung up on who does what bow much of the time and on
some abstract notion of justice and winners, instead of solutions.
She prefers Konrad Lorenzs "butterfly effect," she says, referring
to the Nobel laureate who tracked minute changes in weather patterns and
their effect on global systems. "A butterfly's wing flap in Brazil plays
a role in a tornado in Laredo. When a person makes a change, it has a
ripple effect that can be systemic. If one person tips over the first
domino, the next generous move may come from the other person.
"If there's no reciprocity the chances are the step you are taking
is not really a change, not really generous. You learn after a while that
some behaviors are much more likely to stimulate behavior changes than
others. Yes, I've discovered it is often the woman who takes charge and
is more gracious about initiating a change. But if she gets more of what
she wants, the need for remediation drops. It's a self-rewarding
system."
JAMES PENNEBAKER, PH.D.
Pennebaker is professor of psychology at Southern Methodist
University in Dallas and author of Opening Up: The Healing Power of
Confiding in Others (Avon). Asked what brought him into psychology,
Pennebaker quoted a line from a 1970s article by Jerome Singer and David
Glass. "People study those things at which they are most inept."
Calling his childhood "very enjoyable, no major traumas," he
considers himself "something of a thrill seeker and got into psychology
after music and eight other majors. Psychology seemed the most fun. I
wasn't trying to 'work through' anything. It was Allen Funt on Candid
Camera who inspired me the most. He watched from behind curtains and
that's what psychologists did and I liked that."
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